Ba'al: The Storm God to By Dawn's Early Light
Dagon to The Dunwich Horror (2009)
I Aim at the Stars to I, Zombie
Macbeth to My Super Ex-Girlfriend
The Naked Gun to The Nutty Professor
Q: The Winged Serpent to Quo Vadis
The Tailor of Panama to Twonky
Xanadu to XXX: State of the Union
The Year of Living Dangerously to Y Tu Mama Tambien
The 3 Worlds of Gulliver to 20 Million Miles to Earth
The Abandoned
As is sadly typical with many ghost stories, this tale simply doesn’t have enough material for a feature-length production. A woman returns to Russia to search for some answers about her family history. At the abandoned homestead she meets her brother and their ghostly doppelgangers, and things just sort of go from there. The picture has a good, eerie moment or two early on, but then it just keeps using the same shocks over and over. Further, the plot doesn’t do much developing until the last few minutes. And by then I was so thoroughly bored that I didn’t care much about what the dark family secrets actually were. Perhaps I should have just taken a hint from the title. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 3/27/2009
The ABCs of Death
The good thing about horror anthologies is that bad segments tend to end quickly, giving their companions a chance to re-win the audience. But when the majority of the stories are genuinely awful, they overpower the good stuff. This set sports 26 entries, one for each letter of the alphabet. The first two got the evening off on the right foot, but after that it dived straight downhill. By the end I’d experienced way too many suffering animals, graphic toilet explorations and the like to be able to appreciate the diamonds buried in the shit. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Anthology
Date reviewed: 6/25/13
Abe Lincoln in Illinois
Tall, lean, lanky Raymond Massey was born to play the title role in this picture. Every imaginable threadbare cliché gets worked into the screenplay for this biography of Lincoln’s early years. Every line of dialogue is delivered in the stiff, hushed sanctimony usually reserved for church services. Overall this brings me mindful of the remark in Amadeus about lofty-sounding characters. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 2/25/2006
Aberration
As a quick taste of the sheer terribleness of this movie, consider the plight of the heroine’s cat. Ten minutes in or so, and I was silently praying that the vicious lizards infesting the woman’s cabin would go ahead and kill the poor thing so I wouldn’t have to keep wondering when it was going to happen (which of course it did). Another taste: once the vicious-lizard plotlines have been fairly well exhausted, an ex-boyfriend appears out of nowhere for no obvious reason other than keeping the story going for the requisite 90 minutes. Indeed, the only redeeming quality in the whole ugly mess was that a woman with short hair actually survived to the end of the picture. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 6/29/2008
Abominable
Pity poor Preston (whose name I recall because it’s shrieked dozens of times throughout the course of the production). A climbing accident kills his wife and lands him in a wheelchair, which is an inconvenient seat when a whole houseful of fly-ass girlies moves in next door to his mountain cabin. But things get even worse when Bigfoot shows up and starts chewing his way through the nubile neighbors. The horror of this might have been slightly enhanced if any of the women had been given even minimal personalities, or maybe even if the monster hadn’t looked like Hank Williams Jr. A smattering of B-list actors likewise doesn’t transform this into a masterpiece of the cinema arts. My favorite part of the movie was the end, and not just because it meant the movie was over. It was a nice, unexpected twist, even if it was a blatant set-up for an (with luck entirely hypothetical) Abominable 2. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 1/10/2008
The Abominable Dr. Phibes
This famous Vincent Price classic features some of the strangest revenge murders ever, each ostensibly based on one of the biblical plagues on Egypt. Some of the killings are bizarre to the point where they almost become surreal. For example, there’s the little-known plague of bloodsucking fruit bats. Or how about the plague of green goo that apparently induces grasshoppers to eat people’s faces? Implausibility aside, this is one of the better examples of its era in horror history. Sure, it’s loaded with clichés. But to give credit where credit is due, it’s the original source for at least some of the old saws featured herein. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Mad scientist
Date reviewed: 1999
The Abominable Snowman
of the Himalayas
Forrest Tucker and Peter Cushing journey high up into the mountains of Tibet in search of the legendary Yeti in this fifties-era B-movie. Cushing plays an oh-so-British scientist who reluctantly joins a climbing expedition headed by American adventurer Tucker. The good doctor doesn’t learn until it’s too late that the expedition’s goal is not to study the Yeti but to capture one dead or alive. The bulk of the movie is taken up by a lengthy parade of uninteresting plot twists – Yeti-related or not. The film-makers serve up a good vista shot or two, but for the most part this is little more than a boring mountain-climbing movie with pseudo-scientific blather and guys in rubber suits added on for good measure. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 2001
About Schmidt
Normally a sappy tale about a recently-retired insurance executive coming to grips with the aging process would lie squarely outside my viewing schedule. However, I’d heard good things about this movie, and eventually curiosity got the better of me. I just had to see for myself whether or not Jack Nicholson could pull off a role more than a little outside his usual type. But I was pleasantly surprised to watch everything come together. The plot bounces back and forth between clever and awkward, though even the awkward spots usually contribute nicely to character development. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 2/14/2004
Above Suspicion
As a horror movie buff, I’m used to Joan Crawford on the aging down slope of her career, taking any crappy job that would pay the bills and keep her in front of the camera a little longer. So it was weird to see her as the young, wise-cracking heroine of a World War Two spy movie. She and Fred MacMurray team up to play a vaguely Nick-and-Nora-Charles-esque couple asked by His Majesty’s government to detour from their European honeymoon to help track down a missing agent. Though they take to the task with brio, the plot swiftly mires in a relentless parade of secret messages stuffed in books, rendezvous triggered by watchwords and other mediocre bits of skullduggery. This isn’t the worst propaganda picture I’ve ever seen, but it isn’t exactly the best either. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Spy
Date reviewed: 10/22/2010
Above the Law
Stephen Seagal’s first film pretty much sets the tone for most of the rest of his career. It’s the violent tale of a man of action who takes matters into his own hands when his friends and loved ones are directly threatened by the powers of darkness. Here he’s an ex-special forces operative turned cop who takes on some of his old co-workers who are plotting to preserve their drug-running empire by assassinating a senator. In other words, come for the fast-paced gunfights and fist-fights, but don’t feel like you have to stay for the plot. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Martial arts
Date reviewed: 2000
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
This was better than I thought it would be, which to be honest isn’t particularly high praise. When the title character performs the title task, this is a fun horror/action picture. I could do without the axe-twirling nonsense – seriously dude, are you a vampire killer or a cheerleader? – but otherwise the fight scenes were well assembled and the monsters were sufficiently creepy. However, trouble arises when the script tries to mesh fantasy and history. I was particularly put off by the notion that Lincoln started the Civil War because vampires were pro-slavery. Not that I’m against wholesale slaughter of Confederate vampires, two birds with one stone there. But it slows the plot’s pace down to a crawl until the bloodsucker slaying starts up again. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Vampire
Date reviewed: 1/14/13
Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies
This is the first time I’ve ever watched a mockbuster back to back with the movie it’s coat-tailing. Naturally the comparison isn’t favorable. Bill Oberst Jr. turns in a good performance as the title character (the President, not the walking dead). But against the tide of ill-conceived nonsense, the good parts don’t amount to much. Before the story runs its course, we get Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth, Teddy Roosevelt as a boy, and zombies that just sort of stand there waiting to be done in. Though I was pleasantly surprised by parts of the Hollywood take, this one was pretty much exactly what I expected. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Zombie
Date reviewed: 1/16/13
Absentia
See, indie filmmakers? It is possible to make a good movie with a low budget. All you have to do is think “scary” rather than “stupid.” In this delightfully creepy little tale, a woman has her husband declared legally dead only to have him resurface. He’s in bad condition, and all anyone can make out about where he’s been for the last seven years is that he was abducted in a nearby pedestrian tunnel by something monstrous and vaguely insect-like. The characters are believable, the acting is reasonably good, the script is solid and the story is genuinely chilling. I could have done without some of the forcefully arty trappings such as the use of black and white, but otherwise this was an outstanding horror movie, far better than the here’s-some-more-torture-porn box cover implied. Worth seeing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 7/12/12
Absolute Power
Clint Eastwood directs and stars in this tale of crime and high-level government intrigue. He plays an aging burglar who breaks into a mansion. While he’s looting the good stuff from an upstairs bedroom, the occupants return home. Long story short, our hero witnesses a murder committed by the Secret Service in order to protect the President. Once sinister forces in the government figure out who else was in the house, they pin the murder on him and try to hunt him down so he can’t testify to the contrary. Unfortunately for them, he’s a cagey old guy who’s constantly one step ahead of them. The production values are solid, and the script even borders on clever in spots. Though it’s unlikely to make a top ten list of any kind, it’s an entertaining way to spend a couple of hours. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 9/24/2009
The Abyss
After James Cameron’s smash hit Aliens, I think everyone figured his next movie, a big-budget underwater epic, would be something along those same lines. Instead he serves up something a lot closer to Close Encounters. The story centers around a deep-sea drilling operation that gets caught up with an attempt by the Navy to check out a downed submarine. Michael Biehn plays the SEAL officer in charge of the mission, a pressure-sickness-psycho who’s the closest this production comes to a villain. Once he’s gone, the action is devoted almost entirely to the main plot, a touchy-feely bit of fluff about human contact with underwater extra-terrestrials. Also note that there’s a director’s cut out there with a fair amount of extra plot, footage and happy message. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 2000
The Accidental Tourist
I can’t say if it was subtle differences between the book and the movie, the passage of time between the two experiences or some other less tangible factor, but I didn’t like the movie anywhere near as much as I liked the book. The characters’ quirks seemed superficial rather than genuine. William Hurt was particularly awful. He’s proven on any number of occasions that he can plan an emotionally distant man, but when he’s called upon to let the wall drop and show some feeling, he looks more as if he’s having a particularly unpleasant hemorrhoidal flare-up. Nor can he make the slightest emotional connection with either fellow Body Heat alum Kathleen Turner as his estranged wife or Geena Davis as his wacky would-be girlfriend. Thus what in the book was a charming little story about an author who writes travel guides for people who hate to travel becomes a muddled mess of a motion picture. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Romance
Date reviewed: 10/11/2010
Across the Universe
Youth of today, be warned. Back in the 80s we fought the war against The Beatles so future generations wouldn’t have to endure crap like this. Actually, the music itself is the least annoying element of this production. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it’s hard to pick the most annoying part of the picture. Perhaps it’s the names. Every time a new character is introduced, her or his name is instantly recognizable as a sub-reference to a Beatles song, which more often than not ends up performed before the movie runs its awful course. Or maybe it’s the celebrity cameos. I don’t mind watching Bono humiliate himself, but I could richly have done without Eddie Izzard’s valiant yet ill-fated attempt to add a sense of humor to the production. And that’s the movie’s biggest failing: the grim-faced seriousness of the whole thing. One of the few charms The Beatles possessed was an element of play and fun. But what we get here is the determined certainty of the inexperienced that their problems are graver than anything that’s come before. The very fact that this is a movie set in the 60s but clearly designed to parallel contemporary messes should put lie to that particular myth. And in the end the 60s thing is the closest this comes to self-justification. If movie-makers 40 years ago had possessed this technology, this is the movie they no doubt would have made. That’s not much of a recommendation. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Musical
Date reviewed: 3/15/2008
Action in the North Atlantic
Here’s a rarity: a World War Two era propaganda picture extolling the virtues of something besides the armed forces. Our heroes here are members of the Merchant Marine, valiantly sailing their Liberty Ship into the deadly hunting ground of Hitler’s U-boat wolfpacks and Luftwaffe in order to bring badly-needed supplies to Russia. Despite the tendency toward anti-Nazi sermonizing, the script is reasonably good, and the cast – helmed by Humphrey Bogart – does a reasonably good job with it. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 7/26/2009
Adaptation
As with Being John Malkovich, this production depends almost entirely on its own quirkiness. The story is standard writer-with-writer’s-block stuff, the story-within-a-story (the book the writer is supposed to be turning into a screenplay) is about a writer with the New Yorker working on a story about an obsessive orchid hunter. There’s a lot of ennui, alienation, et cetera, et cetera. A paragraph-review description can’t help but make the production sound silly, even somewhat masturbatory in a guy-writing-the-screenplay-of-his-own-life way. And in at least some ways this movie is just that. But a simple description sells the movie short, because its charm lies in the little twists and turns, the small visual tricks, the details rather than the bigger picture. I’m not sure that it works for the whole running time, but there’s enough fun here and there to keep it at least close to interesting. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 12/19/2005
The Addams Family
This film remains true to the spirit of the original Charles Addams cartoons in that it’s largely an extended collection of amusing sight gags. Sure, there’s a loosely-woven plot in here somewhere, but it’s nowhere near as interesting as the physical humor and creepy little in-jokes. Raul Julia and Angelica Houston head up an ensemble cast that does an admirable job of playing the goofy humor with straight faces. Worth seeing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Horror
Date reviewed: 1998
Addams Family Values
Apparently after the first Addams Family movie the geniuses in Hollywood figured out what a hot property they had in young Christina Ricci. So they gave her a much bigger part in the sequel, sending Wednesday and Pugsley off to camp for some of funniest moments in the film. Otherwise this is pretty much just a recycled version of the first one, with the plot driven by family problems caused by Fester (here spurred on by a would-be-husband-killer played by the ever-adorable Joan Cusack). Sadly, there will probably be no more Addams movies; Christina Ricci is now too old, and Raul Julia is too dead. Worth seeing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Horror
Date reviewed: 1999
Admission
Okay, Tina Fey. Enough with the sitcoms about successful, intelligent women completely obsessed with child bearing. This time around she’s an admissions officer for Princeton, obsessed with the notion that a brilliant-yet-unorthodox applicant is actually the child she secretly gave up for adoption 18 years earlier. As is sadly all too typical of Fey’s work, the picture sports a few highly entertaining moments that fail to save it from ending up as another run-of-the-mill relationship comedy. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Situation
Date reviewed: 8/1/14
Adult Entertainment:
Disrobing an American Idol
Not that we really needed it, but here we have another hour and a half worth of proof that there isn’t anything productive to say about pornography. The folks who create it come across as sleazy, and the folks who hate it come across as puritanical fanatics. The producers try to add some gravitas by stirring in a test of porn’s effects on a couple of average mooks, but even by the looser standards of the behavioral sciences this experiment is packed with artifacts. The result doesn’t exactly qualify as interesting. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Media
Date reviewed: 9/2/12
The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother
Though it was directed by costar Gene Wilder, this silly little picture has a distinct Mel Brooks flavor. My favorite part of the movie was Madeline Kahn’s fine performance, but I’m sure Young Frankenstein fans will cherish the Wilder - Marty Feldman pair-up as well. The story – the famous detective turns a tricky case over to his younger brother Sigerson – is purely goofy, but the script sports a clever line or two. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Parody
Date reviewed: 8/17/2009
The Adventurer: The Curse of
the Midas Box
I’m trying to think of any vaguely Verne-y bit of Victorian sci fi that turned into a big financial success. I could at least respect the effort if they were doing it for the love of storytelling (though I admit whoever made this likes this kind of story better than I do). But the end is such an obvious sequel set-up that clearly expectations were higher for box office returns (or DVD rentals or instant views or however success of such ventures is measured now). Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Parody
Date reviewed: 8/17/2009
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Director Terry Gilliam lends his special brand of art-direction-intensive absurdism to this retelling of the Munchausen story and semi-remake of an end-of-the-war piece of German escapism. Toward the end it becomes a bit of a preachy paean to the merits of imagination over rationalism, but other than that it’s an enjoyable bit of fantasy. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Fantasy
Date reviewed: 2000
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
Add “Across the 8th Dimension” to the end of the title if you’re so inclined (though that serves to distinguish it from a sequel that was never made). Though I’ve seen this movie a couple of times before, this is a first for me for two reasons. First, this is the first time I’ve ever watched it from beginning to end without interruption. Second – and more important – this is the first time I watched it on my own, without being in the company of someone else who was absolutely convinced that it was the greatest movie ever made and absolutely convinced that I had to agree. Absent the pressure, I’m able to determine that it is in fact not the greatest movie ever made. It’s all kinds of 80s silly, and a lot of the dialogue is delivered in that mumbling nonsense cadence Popeye used to use in the old Max Fleischer cartoons. However, as long as you’re not expecting the greatest movie ever made, you should be able to derive at least some entertainment from this sci fi action comedy send-up of old serial adventure yarns (particularly Doc Savage). Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 7/14/2009
The Adventures of Mark Twain
When I was a kid, Will Vinton’s Oscar-winning animated short, “Closed Mondays,” inspired me to spend some time playing around with animation using clay. Unfortunately, the quirky cleverness that functions well in shorts doesn’t translate particularly well to feature length productions. Vinton is still able to do some impressive stuff with clay, achieving fascinating effects that today’s computer-generated productions would never even consider. And in several spots it’s put to excellent use, particularly in the chilling version of “The Mysterious Stranger” (a segment cut from some prints for being too potentially upsetting for children). However, some of Vinton’s technique is ineffective. He’s especially bad with leg movement. And the production’s sense of self-conscious whimsey was dated in 1985, let alone now. Overall, however, this works as animated art and homage to the title character. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Animation
Date reviewed: 4/17/13
The Adventures of Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert
I have to admit that the first time I saw this I didn’t exactly go into it with “oh boy, a movie about drag queens” on my mind. Thus I was pleasantly surprised when the picture turned out to be genuinely entertaining, charming in a not-too-cutesy sort of way. The casting was certainly an interesting bit of business, with one of the three lead queens a veteran of one of the Superman flicks and the other two destined to go on to make action movies of their own. But for now all do a great job with the sarcastic humor and occasionally-excessive sentiment. If nothing else, the ping pong ball sequence alone makes this worth seeing. And much of the rest of the movie keeps up the same quirky tone. Worth seeing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: LGBT
Date reviewed: 11/13/2004
The Adventures of Robin Hood
Imagine a vintage Technicolor version of this classic tale starring Errol Flynn (hero) and Basil Rathbone (villain), and you can pretty much see this one without even watching it. The plot’s a parade of clichés and the dialogue is pure corn, but if you’re into the whole swashbuckling action thing this has some of the finest examples of the art from its Hollywood heyday. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Fantasy
Date reviewed: 4/4/2003
The Adventures of Rocky
and Bullwinkle
Our animated heroes make the jump to real life (or at the very least computer-rendered semblance thereof) in this mostly-for-the-kids effort. I liked moose and squirrel when I was younger, so I got sort of a kick out of the film-makers’ efforts to faithfully re-create the zany stupidity of the original cartoon series. What made it all the better was the involvement of a galaxy of big Hollywood names, particularly Robert DeNiro as Fearless Leader. Pre-teens and cartoon fans will probably get more out of the dumb jokes and sight gags, though every once in awhile there’s a bit of humor that only adults will get. Overall, if you’re in the mood for something stupid but entertaining then you’ve come to the right place. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Juvenile
Date reviewed: 2001
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
After The Hound of the Baskervilles turned out to be a success, 20th Century Fox pushed another Rathbone/Bruce picture through production. Though this isn’t as good as the first one, it’s still reasonably entertaining. Indeed, my only big gripe about this is that it establishes the practice of making Holmes stories that aren’t based on Arthur Conan Doyle’s stories. Fortunately it isn’t a bad plot. Holmes concerns himself with the protection of a young lady targeted for murder, apparently neglecting to guard a valuable gem from being stolen en route to the Tower of London. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Mystery
Date reviewed: 12/28/2009
The Adventures of Tintin
Like The Spirit, Tintin entered and exited my life when I wasn’t yet old enough to appreciate its distinctive nuances. Fortunately for people like me, though there seemed to be a thing or two here that only a devotee of the comics would truly appreciate, for the most part this was a what-you-see-is-what-you-get bit of brainless action cinema. This is also director Steven Spielberg’s first foray into computer animation. His work reminded me of the heady days of the 1990s when amateur speakers first discovered the fancy transitions in Powerpoint. Suddenly everything is about what the technology will do rather than what makes for a good production. The result is video-gamey, which is a shame to see from a veteran director working with plot- and character-intensive source material. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Adventure
Date reviewed: 12/18/12
Advise and Consent
If you’re a fan of cerebral political thrillers from the 1960s, this Otto Preminger movie belongs on your must-watch list. The President’s new nominee for Secretary of State (Henry Fonda) becomes a political football between rival players in the Senate, especially the Majority Leader (Walter Pidgeon) and a smarmy, Southern member of the opposition (Charles Laughton). Overall the picture is a thoughtful exploration of the question “when it comes to dirty tricks, how dirty is too dirty?” However, the small details are fascinating as well. I specifically noted Betty White’s brief appearance as a female senator from Kansas (several years before Nancy Landon Kassebaum became the first elected female member of the Senate). Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Political
Date reviewed: 1/15/11
Aeon Flux
Sadly, I have little trouble believing that an additional four hundred years of perfume ads, video games and cell phones might actually do this to the human race. Like the animated shorts that spawned it, this production isn’t real long on plot. Indeed, careful editing could probably break it up into isolated, nonsensical episodes just like the original series. It’s a pretty picture, and some of the effects are entertaining. It just doesn’t hold together as a feature-length movie. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 6/3/2006
Affliction
If you’re in the mood for a bargain-basement lecture about the dysfunctional psychology of rural American masculinity, then boy does writer/director Paul Schrader have a treat for you. Nick Nolte plays an average mook making a living as a cop and general maintenance worker in small town New Hampshire. The poor guy’s slowly being driven insane by his own powerlessness. He hates his boss. He suspects a fellow worker of shooting a wealthy lawyer in a “hunting accident,” a murder mystery plot that either should have been the main point of the movie or should have been left out altogether. His daughter (correctly) thinks he’s a jerk. His ex agrees. His girlfriend doesn’t want to marry him. His mom dies. His tooth hurts. And on top of everything else, he has a pathetic relationship with his abusive, alcoholic father (James Coburn, who must have gotten his Academy Award for this role based on the “give the ol’ guy an Oscar” sentimental vote). Right up through the total collapse at the end, his distant brother (Willem Dafoe) periodically supplies a useless, over-wrought voice-over. I’m going to give this thing one star, but that’s based solely on my ill-advised choice to watch this cold, snowy picture in the middle of an uncomfortably cold, snowy stretch of weather. Maybe in July it would have been more welcome. Unlikely, but there’s always a chance. Some of the snowy landscapes were pretty. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: None
Date reviewed: 1/10/2010
The African Queen
This movie’s worth it for the casting alone. Bogart is as perfect as the surly but good-hearted riverboat sailor as Hepburn is as the prim yet warm missionary; it’s difficult to imagine anyone else in either role. The story is simple on the surface: our heroes need to pilot a small boat down a dangerous river. But it isn’t the plot that makes this a classic as much as it’s the interactions between the characters as their relationship develops. Acting, script and direction really come together here. Buy it
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Classic
Date reviewed: 2001
After.Life
This is one of the most annoying movies I’ve seen in quite some time. Is this young accident victim (Christina Ricci) dead, or is she being held captive by a psychotic funeral director (Liam Neeson)? After less than half an hour of this mess I’d thoroughly ceased to give a shit. They blew the bucks for the cast and the production values, but at heart this is a meandering piece of amateur theatre. If you’re a big fan of go-nowhere plot twists or just desperate to see Ricci with her clothes off, then this is the movie for you. Otherwise ... See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 11/16/11
Aftermath: Population Zero
This is really more of a program on the National Geographic channel than an actual movie. Indeed, once the ads and duplicated footage are removed, it probably isn’t even feature length. But a few of its elements bear mention. For starters, the premise is fascinating: what if every human being on the face of the earth suddenly vanished? In the wake of this über-rapture, the world almost immediately begins to change. The production spends an inordinately large amount of time dwelling on the fate of our house pets. We even get treated to a bizarre battle between abandoned dogs and a free-roaming zoo elephant (as if such occurrences would be among the primary consequences of humanity’s departure). On the other hand, once the film-makers finish scratching the house pet itch (around midway through), the story gets interesting. In the end, it’s a comforting surprise to learn just how swiftly almost all trace of mankind – and the damage we’ve done to the planet – will vanish from the face of the earth. For my taste, I would have preferred more emphasis on the long-term stuff. The tale of what would happen to Paris, London and New York is interesting, but more cities and landmarks (and less wild dogs) would have made this a better production. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Science
Date reviewed: 3/21/2008
Aftermath: The Remnants of War
After watching a long string of Michael-Moore-esque documentaries, it was a genuine pleasure to watch some simple, straightforward, gimmick-free non-fiction film-making. No ambush interviews or other stupid stunts. Just telling the story of some of the awful, tragic by-products of war. What a relief. And here the story really does tell itself. We’re taken to former battlefields in France, Russia, Vietnam and Bosnia to witness the aftereffects of 20th-century conflict. We see bomb, shell and mine removal in progress (in some cases nearly a century after the rounds were originally fired). We meet children crippled by their parents’ exposure to the dioxin in Agent Orange and whole populations mentally scarred by the ravages of armed conflict. This would make a great double feature with any of the hundreds of Top Gun-style movies that make war look like a big video game with no consequences. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 6/8/2007
After Midnight
This started out looking like a slasher movie about a professor teaching a class about the psychology of fear. But then it turned out to be an anthology piece. Sadly, it was an anthology of exceptionally lame stories. Of course even a brilliant script and excellent acting wouldn’t have been a match for the sheer weight of such a huge pile of clichés. In particular, the whole just-kidding-it-was-only-a-practical-joke thing is a risk if you try it once, and after you’ve repeated the mistake you’ve ruined any chance you have at getting the audience to trust your storytelling. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Anthology
Date reviewed: 6/4/12
After the Thin Man
Though not quite as good as the original, this one still packs the same class and charm. Nick and Nora are back in San Francisco, this time trying to unravel a murder mystery involving her side of the family, which made it an interesting culture clash of American wealth encountering the seamy side of the street. A young Jimmy Stewart turns in quite a performance in one of the supporting roles. Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Mystery
Date reviewed: 1/2/2010
Against the Dark
I rented this because I figured the combination of Steven Seagal and post-apocalyptic vampires would guarantee entertainment value. Yeah, in retrospect I have to admit that the theory sounds fairly stupid. For starters, Seagal isn’t in all that much of it, which is probably for the best because his high-quality martial arts days appear to be behind him. The rest of the picture isn’t any better. A rag-tag band of human survivors try to avoid vampires – that act just like “the infected” from 28 Days Later, so how exactly that makes them vampires is … well, never mind – as they make their way video game style through several levels of an abandoned hospital (exteriors of which appear to have been shot at the same place where they made Stephen King’s Kingdom Hospital). It doesn’t even have any good scares along the way. It’s just one long, predictable snooze fest. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Zombie
Date reviewed: 5/20/2009
Agony
If this movie is any ground on which to judge, Eisenstein would hide his head in shame if he saw what became of Soviet film after his death. This 1975 epic about Rasputin is one of the most inept pieces of propaganda I’ve ever seen. A chunk of the blame falls on the head of the actor playing the lead role. This guy must be Russia’s answer to Val Kilmer. He plays Rasputin as an awkward combination of Charles Manson and The Dude from The Big Lebowsky. Though this is clearly part of the long line of pictures designed to justify the Russian Revolution by making the Romanovs look bad, the worst they seem to do here is possibly boring peasants (not to mention the audience) to death. Further, the translation is odd in places. It’s hard to say if the lines are some kind of Russian idiom that doesn’t make much sense to foreign audiences or if the characters are genuinely intended to spout nonsense. In either event, the bizarre dialogue is just another cog in a highly ineffective machine. And in another undesirable Soviet tradition, the picture is awfully hard on the animals. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 7/9/2009
The Agony and the Ecstasy
If only I’d had this movie back when I was assigned to read Irving Stone’s novel in high school. Charlton Heston stars as Michelangelo in this tale of the artist’s tumultuous relationship with Pope Julius II (Rex Harrison), particularly the disputes between the two over the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Though Carol Reed directed, this turns out to be a fairly run-of-the-mill epic. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 6/5/2009
Aguirre, The Wrath of God
Germans and jungles just don’t mix. Werner Herzog serves up the grim tale of an offshoot of Pizarro’s expedition. Their original assignment was to head down river (at least that was a change in direction from the usual Heart of Darkness direction) and find help for the army of conquistadors. But after the crew runs into trouble, a sub-commander named Aguirre takes over. Given that the character is played by old Herzog standby Klaus Kinski, it almost goes without saying that our anti-hero starts out crazy bad and just gets worse as the plot progresses. It also almost goes without saying that before the show ends we’re treated to a lot of long, tedious soul-searching punctuated by random acts of savagery. I used to have a higher tolerance for this stuff than I do now. There are some beautiful shots toward the beginning, but ultimately they don’t justify the whole depressing thing. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 6/26/2004
A.I. Assault
After a long summer of watching movies on the Sci Fi Channel, I’m starting to run out of things to say about them. So hey, here’s another one. Deadly robots escape from a military lab and blah blah blah. Effects cheap. Script bad. Acting sub par. Killed an hour and a half or so. What more can one ask of such an experience? See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 9/4/2007
Air America
Once again the fun-loving frat boys of America’s military and intelligence communities use Southeast Asia as the backdrop for their wacky antics. This time around it’s the pack of pilots who formed the backbone of the CIA’s drug-smuggling operations in Laos back in the days. And just in case anyone’s uncomfortable with the morality here, the Company’s high mucky-mucks and the Lao military play the bad guys and get most of the blame pinned on them. Ethics aside, this is a reasonably entertaining action/comedy mix starring Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Comedy
Date reviewed: 2001
Airborne
The last flight out before a hurricane closes the airport. A mysterious package. A gun merchant and his thug bodyguards. War criminals. Art thieves. Sinister government agents. An ancient curse. A skyjacking. Demonic possession. Mark Hamill. And really that’s just a quick start on a list of all the junk packed into this movie. To the surprise of no one (other than perhaps the folks who made this mess), the result is a chaotic crowd of subplots that never fully develop because they keep stepping on each others’ toes. And that’s a shame, because with a little more breathing space some of the twists and turns might have made for a decent story in a general Twilight Zone groove. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 12/8/12
Air Force One
This is another one of those annoying five-minute movies (the kind where if the characters could act a little more decisively the film would be over in about five minutes). Jam-packed with false dilemmas and other plot mistakes, even Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman can’t save this stinker. See if desperate (or if you’re looking to complete your 1997 Hell Plaza Octoplex viewing experience)
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 1998
Airheads
Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi and Adam Sandler all star as a trio of losers just as the actors’ respective careers were really starting to take off back in the mid-90s. All things considered this isn’t a terrible movie, not the sort of thing that you’d think the stars would later pool their funds to force out of distribution. But it’s telling that cameos include Lemmy (von Motorhead) and Beavis and Butthead. The plot here is that desperate garage-band musicians use realistic-looking toy guns to hold up a radio station and demand air time for their demo tape. Things go wrong. Hijack turns to high-jinx. Michael Richards crawls around in air ducts. Though little of the story makes much sense, it occasionally manages to provide a laugh or two to go along with the poorly-crafted bathos. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Situation
Date reviewed: 2001
Airplane!
One of the great progenitors of the bad satire movie, this film has eclipsed the series of airport movies that it lampoons. While most (well okay, all) of the humor is pretty juvenile, sometimes even downright offensive, the movie still has enough funny moments to keep it going, especially the brief moments when Johnny the obnoxious gay guy is on. Worth seeing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Parody
Date reviewed: 1999
Akira Kurosawa's Dreams
Normally I’m not a big fan of the bylined title, but in this case it’s more than justified. A collection of supernatural-ish short subjects from a Japanese director is almost automatically going to invite comparison to Kwaidan, but this one’s pure Kurosawa. The second half of the eight tales tend to be a bit on the emotional side, particularly the thickly sentimental finale. For my tastes the first few are more entertaining, especially the fox wedding. However, all the way through the movie retains the director’s wonderful sense of understatement and ambiguity. Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Anthology
Date reviewed: 3/25/2005
The Alamo
Two hours and they never once went down to the basement to check for Pee wee’s bike. Instead we get a western-mythologized production of the famous battle, a version unlikely to win any accuracy prizes or sell many tickets in Mexican theaters. But if that’s what you’re in the mood for, this is a solid example thereof. I was especially impressed by the battle scenes. They’re not the most realistic depictions of violence I’ve ever seen, but it’s hard not to admire the elaborate choreography and expensive effects. Acting, script and direction are all in keeping with what might expect from a production of this caliber. See if desperate
Genre: Action
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 11/23/2004
The Alchemists
Once again the big drug companies are up to no good. This time they’re dumping experimental batches of drugs on the market. Intentions range from good to profitable: they’re trying to produce disease-free children (oh, and also introduce some kind of engineered virus that only the company’s product can cure). But hubris is once again duly punished as mothers and babies die in childbirth. A small cadre of folks – ranging from drug company researchers to a corporate spy to a disgruntled journalist – uncover the plot, making them targets for corporate killers. Though this isn’t necessarily a bad movie, it’s not necessarily a good one either. The acting’s okay without being great. The script is straightforward but uninspiring. And the action advances the plot without providing much excitement. In short, if you like this kind of thing you won’t be disappointed. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 2001
Alexander
Any further complaints from Arlen Specter and Jack Valenti about Oliver Stone playing fast and loose with history? Not this time around? Hmmm. Well, that’s okay. Departures from the historical record aren’t exactly the biggest problem here. That distinction belongs to the script, which is as intensely boring as it is poorly put together. The action bounces back and forth randomly in the time line, with an astounding amount of screen time devoted to go-nowhere speeches. The direction doesn’t help either, as Stone makes copious use of pace killers such as extended shots of Colin Ferrel and the rest of the cast gaping vacantly into space. Stir in a heap of animal violence and this one’s headed for the reject pile. However, the production was plenty expensive, with some of the money going for effects that work well enough (especially compared to the rest of the picture). See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 9/3/2005
Alexander Nevsky
This is a must-see for any student of propaganda film-making (not to mention anyone studying cinema as a graphic art). Though I suppose Potemkin is a more important work from a film history standpoint, I think this one is more entertaining. In context, the glaring (Nevsky as Stalin, the swastikas on the evil bishop’s miter) and subtle (merchants paying to appease the Teutons even as Stalin himself was working a treaty with Hitler) aspects of art in a dictatorship add a whole new dimension to the viewing experience. It also reverberates into history, not only exposing Stalin’s self-image but also giving Germany a strong hint about what was waiting for its troops four years later at Stalingrad. One can also appreciate the impact it had on subsequent productions, ranging from Conan the Barbarian to The Empire Strikes Back. And of course it can just be enjoyed as an entertaining movie (a little rough around some of the edges, but still quite watchable). The disc itself doesn’t come with any special features (indeed, it doesn’t even have a main menu), but it’s still worth it. Buy the disc
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Classic
Date reviewed: 12/22/2006
Alexander the Great
I’m beginning to think that they could have cast Richard Burton in a movie about Batman fighting Godzilla and it still would have come out boring. At the very least they might have considered making more than half the film about Alexander’s conquests rather than his Byzantine battles with his father. It doesn’t help that this is one of those movies that should have been an epic except they didn’t have the money for the cast or the extras or the sets or the effects. The inevitable result is an empty-looking production that screams “a cast of dozens.” See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 12/12/12
Ali
I admit that before I sat down to watch this movie my assumption was that the low point of the production (with the obvious exception of Mario Van Peebles as Malcolm X) would be Will Smith’s effort to portray the title character. But I have to confess that I was pleasantly surprised by Smith’s performance. Yes folks, the scrawny little Fresh Prince actually does a good job as one of the great legends of sports history. Sadly, his work goes largely to waste. The plot is so jumpy and the script so stiff that more often than not our hero comes across as a spectator in his own life. Once the movie abandons its Spike Lee aspirations and settles down to the task of telling its tale, it’s entertaining enough. I just can’t fight the feeling that with a little more support from the writers and director Smith might have been able to make a better film out of this concept. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Sports
Date reviewed: 5/4/2002
Alice
Jan Svankmajer’s version of the classic Lewis Carroll tale plays like a Rankin Bass holiday animation on PCP. Not since Dreamchild has Alice in Wonderland gotten such a disturbing work-over. And while Henson and company appeared to be trying to make some kind of point about child molesters, the creepiness here seems to be outré gratia outré. Some of it works in an odd way (which is about the only way it could work). But other parts come across as a little tedious. The disc also includes Svankmajer’s somewhat famous short, “Darkness, Light, Darkness.” Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 5/29/2004
Alice (2009)
The SyFy-fied reheat of The Wizard of Oz worked okay. Maybe we could do the same thing with Alice in Wonderland. Or on the other hand, maybe not. In the producers’ defense, they applied the same formula used for Tin Man: take a classic, relocate it to a sci fi fantasy environment, twist things around a bit, mix in some cheap special effects, and hope the audience will sit through two nights’ worth. Part of the reason this one fails is that the source story is already bizarre and confusing enough, so making it even stranger doesn’t help. They got more stars and semi-stars, but they aren’t put to good use. The result is a muddled mess rather than a clever riff. See if desperate
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Fantasy
Date reviewed: 12/22/2009
Alice in Wonderland (1951)
“Alice in Wonderland / How do you get to Wonderland / Over the hill or under land / Or just behind a tree.” I hadn’t seen this movie since I was a kid, and for years I’ve been convinced that I misremembered the words to the opening theme song and substituted simple-minded nonsense the way kids sometimes do. But no, those are the real words. Lewis Carroll’s Alice stories supply Disney’s artists with plenty of fuel for the vaguely hallucinogenic fantasy stuff popular with animators in the 1950s. Do I even have to mention that this was extremely popular on college campuses in the 60s? Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Animation
Date reviewed: 12/13/12
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp do to Alice what they did to Ichabod Crane and Willie Wonka, creating another effects-intensive reimagining of a classic story. This time around Alice is a bit older and a bit more in charge of her own destiny, an improvement over the creepy age and gender politics of the original story. On the other hand, Burton twists the characters around in uncomfortable ways. Sometimes it works. For example, I loved the Cheshire Cat. In other cases it’s less successful. Though overall I prefer Carroll’s version, I found this a reasonably entertaining summer rental. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Fantasy
Date reviewed: 6/5/2010
Alien
The cornerstone of the Alien series and a horror classic (probably a sci-fi classic as well, though I’m not sure I know enough about the genre to be able to say for sure). I can remember being completely blown away by the whole “grimy technology” futurism in the art direction, something that would be developed a lot further just a few years later in Blade Runner. And I think director Ridley Scott’s decision to interconnect all the sets (making the sound-stage into a partial spacecraft of sorts) really contributed to the actors’ sense of place (and paranoia). Though much of the film seems cliché now (particularly the deeply Freudian parts of the set design done by H.R. Gieger), it’s important to remember that this was the film, copied so frequently, that gave birth to the clichés. Fans of the movie will find the 20th anniversary edition DVD well worth the investment, because it includes several scenes cut from the theatrical release (as well as other fun bonus features). Buy the disc
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 1998
Aliens
What Ridley Scott first conceived as a sci-fi/horror blend Jim Cameron has here developed into a sci-fi/horror/action movie. It keeps moving fairly well, which is a good thing because it’s more than two hours long and if it didn’t keep moving it would drive the audience to distraction in fairly short order. As it is, however, it’s engaging to watch the squad of ultra-macho space marines fall apart in the face of superior force, and Cameron does a good job of developing the characters as they try to cope with the alien threat. The effects are good, though not as original as the original. Extra added bonus: Paul Reiser (at least presumably) getting his brains poked out by an alien. There’s also a long version that surfaces on cable every once in awhile. The characters are a bit better developed, as are the spatial relationships between the sets. Otherwise all you get from the extra footage is just a bit more drama. For an even longer version, check out the DVD. It’s got the extra footage plus even more edited-out-of-the-theatrical-release scenes. It’s mostly minor character development, but the revelation that Ripley had a daughter who grew up, grew old and died while mom was stuck in hyper-sleep does help explain her character’s motivation a bit. Worth seeing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 1998
Alien 3
What is it about the number three sequel? The third time was definitely not the charm for either the Godfather films or the Jaws series. The third Halloween movie wasn’t even distantly related to the first two. And this third Alien movie is no exception to the rule. An under-exposed, grunge art director’s wet dream, the plot mopes on and on until I’m just about ready to root for the alien. Not that we get too many alternatives, inasmuch as the human characters range from mildly annoying to downright loathsome. Even the computer-modeled alien effects are pretty cheap by today’s standards. Maybe if the first two hadn’t been such genre classics, this one wouldn’t have been such a letdown. As it is, however, it comes across as an arrogant MTV-wannabe director’s attempt to make a film that amuses him rather than one that fans are likely to enjoy. The final irony: the film-makers did their best to kill the series by incinerating the Sigourney Weaver character at the end. Well, I guess the studio had the last laugh on that one (see Alien Resurrection, or better yet don’t). Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 1999
Alien Resurrection
Cyborgs and clones and bugs, oh my! After the third Alien movie, this one is truly Lazarus come from the dead. And as one might suspect, it doesn’t smell too nice. I guess they figured they could make money on it despite the extremely poor reception given to Alien 3 if they just threw in a couple of big-name actors and spruced up the effects a bit. Guess not. This one has the occasional good booga-booga shot, but mostly it’s a muddled excuse for a cheap gore-fest. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 1998
Alien vs. Predator
How the mighty art fallen. Both of the series merged here got off to solid starts, but by this point in history they’ve joined in a descent into the realm of goofy horror-action mix. I should have known going into it that any movie that couldn’t at least eke out an R rating was going to aim for cartoonish action rather than taking advantage of its sources’ horror roots. A team of scientists led by an aging millionaire heads off to Antarctica to check out a buried pyramid that turns out to be infested with Aliens and the Predators who show up to hunt them. If nothing else, this left me wondering why the Predators would set up a game preserve in Antarctica when the first two movies in their own series made it clear that the hunt-monsters prefer things extra hot. So now Predator takes on Jason in the finals, right? The DVD promises an alternate beginning not seen in theaters, but it doesn’t amount to much (and what there is of it is sort of poor quality video). Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 8/20/04
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
Be sure to wait until after dark and watch this picture in a dimly-lit room. That’s not for spooky atmosphere as much as it’s a feeble attempt to be able to see the movie, at least a third of which is shot in light so poor that many sequences are more-or-less pitch black. On the other hand, the inability to see what’s going on is probably a blessing, judging by the quality of the parts that are actually visible. The implausible Alien-Predator cross-breed from the end of the first AvP returns as the chief baddie this time around, an unwelcome touch vastly magnified by the fact that the new uber-monster is able to plant Alien eggs in victims without the use of the creatures’ well-established bug-snake-monster life cycle. This departure from the conventions of the series was no doubt necessary to supply the mass quantities of Aliens needed to keep the story moving, but it’s also symptomatic of the brainless-yet-commercially-successful disregard for consistent plot logic. Though the production values are on par with the rest of the movies in both sets, the cast and script would have been better suited to the straight-to-video gunk that provides programming bread and butter for the Sci Fi Channel. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 4/26/08
Alien Express
A meteor hits a car next to a railroad crossing. When a train stops to check for survivors, aliens from the meteor hop aboard and go to work on the crew. Meanwhile, a terrorist kidnaps a Presidential candidate in one of the train cars. The train, now running out of control because the aliens have eaten the engineer and somehow disabled the dead-man throttle, is set to collide with another train that just happens to be carrying nuclear waste. Poor Lou Diamond Phillips, having jumped onto the train from a helicopter mere seconds before it collided with a mountain … ah, by now I think you get the point. Most of the rest of the movie was screaming and bickering anyway. I don’t know if it would have helped to have had monsters that didn’t look like a cross between a toy T-Rex and a dirty sock, but it probably wouldn’t have hurt. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 5/2/09
Alien Hunter
Despite a title that implies some stupid crap made for the Sci Fi Channel, this actually turned out to be better than I thought it would be. To be sure, any movie about alien invaders dug out of the ice in Antarctica is going to invite comparison to The Thing, especially when it “borrows” a little incidental footage from the Carpenter classic. And I didn’t care for the squishy CE3K ending. However, it had a good moment or two before it got there. James Spader plays a communications expert summoned to an Antarctic research station after the team there discovers a radio-signal-emitting pod. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 7/29/09
Allegro Non Troppo
Italian animator Bruno Bozzetto puts together a parody of / homage to Fantasia. It follows the same general animation-inspired-by-well-known-pieces-of-classical-music format, but this stuff is not necessarily for the kids. The production has its weak points. The live action bits between the animations unfortunately re-enforce the stereotype that Italian filmmakers do physical comedy like old people climb obstacles. And a lot of the gender relations stuff is more than a little dated. However, the animation is clever and well matched with the music. This is a must-see for anyone who liked the Disney version but thought it perhaps a bit too self-important. Worth seeing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Animation
Date reviewed: 4/6/11
All Hallow’s Eve
The advantage to anthology pieces is that if you hate one of the segments, at least it will be over in less-than-feature-length time. But then if all three segments and the bracket are amateurish, grainy gorefests, the experience is pretty much the same as watching a single, feature-length piece of crap. If you’re scared of clowns, this should terrify you at least as much as an episode of Howdy Doody. Otherwise the only way you’ll get any joy out of the experience is if you’re excited by cheap gore and screaming women. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Anthology
Date reviewed: 5/2/14
The Alligator People
Movie scientists usually mean well, so it’s sad that their experiments always seem to end badly. A guy is in a terrible plane crash, and the only way to save his life is to give him a miracle drug based on reptilian DNA. So now he can grow body parts back like one of those lizards that can grow a new tail. Trouble is … well, you can imagine for yourself what the trouble is. When the side-effects disrupt the guy’s honeymoon, he flees to the bayou-based clinic full of patients who have suffered similar mishaps. His wife pursues, only to become entangled in plot twists that make the movie go on longer than it really needs to. The saddest part of the production is that the alligator people makeup works fairly well in an understated sort of way right up until the end, when for some reason the film-makers opt to take it completely over the top, a decision they didn’t have the effects budget to pull off. Otherwise this is yet another run-of-the-mill science-run-amuck piece from the 50s, inept but for the most part blandly inoffensive. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 3/22/07
All Quiet on the Western Front
The granddaddy of all war-is-hell movies, this is the version from the 1930s, when the war upon which the original novel was based was far enough in the past to be viewed a little more critically and the next great war was still far enough in the future that the dulce et decorum est hadn’t quite fired up yet. To call it preachy is to sell its sanctimony way short, and it’s also hampered by technical problems endemic to the medium back in the early days of talkies. Nonetheless, it endures well enough to have at least a few worthwhile moments to commend it. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 1998
All Souls Day
Apparently the respectful holiday of celebrating the dead is honored a bit differently in this small Mexican town. Once a year the zombies left over from a 19th-century tragedy come out and eat whatever witless American 20-somethings happen to be standing around. So woe unto the four protagonists of this picture. The set-up has some mildly innovative stuff in it, but once the ball starts rolling (30 to 40 minutes in) it ends up as little more than another cheap Night of the Living Dead rip-off. Some bush-league gore does a little to set off the brainless script. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Zombie
Date reviewed: 7/27/2007
All That Jazz
This is the most self-indulgent movie I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something. The protagonist Joe Gideon (ably played by Roy Scheider) is obviously more than loosely based on director Bob Fosse, and some of the supporting characters are actually played by the people upon whom they’re based. Nothing necessarily wrong with that. But the whole picture is about how wonderful he is and how terrible it will be when his hard living finally results in his death. Some of the art direction is interesting, but the choreography – Fosse’s raison d’etre – is stiff and unimaginative. It’s a shame, too. I remember loving this when it first came out. Must have been during my brief theatre phase in high school. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Musical
Date reviewed: 8/3/10
All The King’s Men
This would make a good double feature with Citizen Kane. To be sure, this production isn’t as slick as the Wells classic. For starters, the editing is pretty rough in spots; I don’t know much about the history of the production, but from just a casual viewing I’d guess that it had been intended to be a longer movie and that big chunks were sliced out sometime late in post-production. The characters and plot developments are equally awkward, frequently coming across as ham-handed clichés rather than the subtle nuances of Kane. On the other hand, this approach is appropriate to the subject. Huey Long wasn’t exactly the sophisticated head of a vast publishing empire, so it’s only natural that his roman a clef counterpart would be more at home in a story full of simple-minded morality. The production also features some fun faces in the supporting cast, including a very young John Derek and a pre-gravelly-voiced-demon Mercedes McCambridge. Overall this is an enjoyable movie despite some stiffness around the joints. Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Political
Date reviewed: 4/27/07
All The King’s Men (2006)
Assuming the original cried out for a remake at all, this is not the remake it had coming. Sean Penn stars as Willie Stark in this repeat roman a clef about Huey Long’s time as the governor of Louisiana. I understand that Penn is now too old to play the intense, misunderstood youth roles that made him famous, but if this picture is any indication he shouldn’t plan on making the transition to middle-aged, overbearing cracker politicians. Some of the supporting cast members are better suited to their roles, particularly Jude Law who has of course made a career out of playing spoiled rich kids who get caught up in the serious affairs of the world. But what really kills this is the look and feel. They seem to be going for a grim, depression-era aura with lots of shadowy sets and sepia filters. That worked okay in Road to Perdition, but here it’s out of step with the steamy southern locations and the cynical faux-optimism of the Long era and the original movie. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Political
Date reviewed: 4/22/08
All The President’s Men
This was big stuff back in the day when the events upon this were part of recent memory, but now I’m guessing you have to be a journalism nerd to get much out of it. Bob Woodward (Robert Redford) and Carl Bernstein (Dustin Hoffman) work together to unravel the cable knit sweater of the Watergate scandal that eventually toppled the Nixon administration. The flow of the story is choppy, filled with aha! moments that seem like the newspaper writer’s equivalent of “Col. Mustard in the hotel suite with the screwdriver.” Despite its dated awkwardness, I got a kick out of it. But then I’m a member of the dying breed of people who relish good reporting and enjoy watching its creators (or at least the Hollywood versions thereof) at work. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Journalism
Date reviewed: 9/24/09
All The Queen’s Men
Okay, here’s the plot. The Allies are trying to steal an Enigma decoder. They can get male agents into the factory that makes the things, but the workers there are all women. So guess what? Our intrepid heroes must learn to dress convincingly in drag. Eddie Izzard obviously has no trouble pulling it off as a transvestite forced into service to train the other three guys in a squad headed by ultra-macho Matt LeBlanc. The result ranges from genuine entertainment along the lines of the classic British black comedies to amusing farce to just plain silly. Even so, it’s one of the better movies of 2003 and might have been better still if they’d given Izzard a larger role. Worth seeing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Situation
Date reviewed:11/23/03
All Through the Night
In the wake of the September 11 attacks, the Weekend Update sketch on Saturday Night Live featured a joke about members of organized crime stealing scrap metal from the World Trade Center site. “Hey,” Tina Fey delivered the line in her best Mafia mook voice, “the mayor told everyone to go back to work.” This movie reminded me a lot of that gag. Humphrey Bogart stars as the leader of a gang of wise-cracking mobsters joining the war effort by taking on a cabal of Nazi agents in New York City. Bogart is great as usual, but overall the movie’s subject is too serious to work well as fodder for screwball comedy, yet it’s too silly to work as a spy story. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Spy
Date reviewed:7/7/10
Almost Famous
Almost good is a little closer to the truth. I suppose if you’re really into the early 70’s music thing then you’ll probably get a big kick out of this fond but false reminiscence of the days. The plot revolves around a child prodigy from an offbeat family who lands a freelance job writing an article for Rolling Stone about an up-and-coming band. When the group’s engaged in wacky offstage antics (like getting stoned with a bunch of teenagers in Topeka) the movie manages an entertaining moment or two. But just when it starts to worm its way into your good graces, it leaps right back out via one of its many soap-opera-esque elements, including the young-man-coming-of-age and the groupie-coming-to-grips-with-the-futility-of-her-lifestyle. This isn’t a bad movie, especially not if viewed in the right company. Maybe I just expected too much from it. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Decadence
Date reviewed: 2001
Alone in the Dark (1982)
That’s what you’ll be if you’re waiting in a movie theater for me to join you and watch this barking dog again. One would think that with the likes of Donald Pleasance, Jack Palance and Martin Landau that a considerably better that this. I guess they must have blown the budget getting these guys to appear and thus couldn’t afford a script or even much of a plot. The story here is a trite tale of a handful of psychopaths who escape from an asylum during a blackout and go to their doctor’s house to torment him and his family. Even by slasher movie standards, this one’s pretty boring. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 2001
Alone in the Dark (2005)
In the dark we may be, but alone we ain’t. We’re in here with quite the collection, including Pitch Black, Aliens, X Files, The Relic, The Keep, The Tingler … yes that’s right, The Tingler. Just think what a bargain it is to be able to see little Cliff’s Notes chunks of these and several other pictures all for the price of a single video rental. Everyone involved mails in their performances, even Tara Reid (proud recipient of the Denise Richards Nuclear Physicist award for her role as an archaeologist). The script and direction are weak, and the effects are one step (if that) above PlayStation graphics. Someday someone is going to make a really solid archaeology-based horror movie. Sadly, we’re apparently going to have to wait at least a little longer. At least this wasn’t as bad as the last video-game-based effort from Uwe “House of the Dead” Boll. Maybe next they’ll turn him loose on Frogger. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 6/21/05
Alone in the Dark 2
At least it isn't quite as terrible as the first one. That's due in part to the absence of Uwe Boll in the director's chair (though he's a producer). But more than that, it's easier to swallow because it doesn't take itself so seriously. This is a crappy cheese fest and it knows it. The plot has something to do with a magic knife and the vengeful spirit of an evil witch, but as usual the plot really isn't the point. Though if your next question is “Okay, what is the point?” well, um ... See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 12/29/10
Along Came a Spider
Okay, now it’s official: I’m tired of the whole psychological profiling detective thing. Truth be told, it was old even before Silence of the Lambs, and even with Morgan Freeman playing the part it’s just too tiresome to be appealing. Other than that this is yet another high-budget crime thriller, the kind that depends on plot twists – ranging from the predictable to the ridiculous with precious little middle ground – rather than story or character to hold the audience’s interest. And this audience member wasn’t particularly interested. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 1/24/03
The Alphabet Killer
Anytime you get a movie based on the true story of a serial killer who was never caught, you can bet the picture is going to take some liberties with the facts. And this production is no exception. Eliza Dushku plays a detective trying to track down a predator who kidnaps and murders preadolescent girls. Her obsession with the case pushes her off the deep end, and she ends up in a mental hospital where she makes friends with a guy in a wheelchair (Tim Hutton). After she recovers and returns to desk duty at the police department, the killer resumes his habits. She persuades her ex-boyfriend (Cary Elwes) to let her work on the case. But the closer she gets to solving it the more she deteriorates mentally, seeing the ghosts of the dead kids and the like. The story is okay and the production values reasonably good. My only big gripe with the picture is that despite efforts at subterfuge the casting decisions tended to give away the surprise ending well in advance. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 11/19/09
Altered
The concept here is an interesting twist on the alien abduction theme: a quartet of former abductee rednecks capture a wayward alien out in the woods and prepare for some payback. Unfortunately, once the ball is rolling it doesn’t go anywhere in particular. Instead the plot – to the extent there is one – meanders around as the four fight with each other, a girlfriend and of course the alien itself. Because they don’t have the budget for good actors or decent effects, they probably should have stuck with a strong script rather than trying to pull off a gore fest. Further, whoever cut this down for Chiller replaced what I assume was “motherfucker” with “corn shucker,” which was ridiculous even for a bowdlerization. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 4/8/10
Altered States
Here’s one of the great boomer conceits: their drug experiences back in the 70s could become so profound that they’d actually manifest themselves physically. The plot is a lot of pseudo-religious, pseudo-scientific claptrap, and the characters are usually little more than annoying (except for Charles Haid’s character, who was the only one that was probably supposed to be annoying but instead ends up charming in an irascible sort of way). But the film is still worth it for the visuals. The hallucinations, irrelevant as most of them are, still provide a good deal of visual impact. And for my money the shot where the ape-creature is chasing the janitor down the hall is one of the great stomach-knot-producing moments in film history. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 1998
Amadeus
What this tale of conflict between Mozart and Salieri lacks in historical accuracy it more than makes up for in compelling drama. Tom Hulce and F. Murray Abraham were both nominated for Best Actor Oscars, a rare case of two actors from the same movie actually deserving the award (Abraham won). Script by Peter Schaeffer and direction by Milos Forman round out the package. This is also an excellent demonstration of the value of DVD technology. Though I’ve watched this many times on VHS, tape doesn’t come close to the picture and audio quality of digital reproduction. Letterboxing contributes a lot, as does the extra footage found in the “director’s cut.” Overall this is a highly entertaining exploration of the nature of genius, envy, and the dire consequences when the former stirs the latter. Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Biography
Date reviewed: 3/18/03
Amandla!
The history of black resistance to the apartheid regime in South Africa is a fascinating subject all by itself, but it becomes even more interesting when the focus shifts to the role music played in the struggle for freedom. The thing I found most interesting was the often-sharp contrast between the sound of the music and the message it conveyed. For example, a song that might sound joyful and carefree when left untranslated takes on a whole new importance when the subtitles reveal that the lyrics are about killing people with machineguns. The production suffers from some technical difficulties – inconsistent sound quality and occasional lapses in the subtitles – that HBO’s money should have been able to correct. But overall this is a touching portrayal of artistic expression as a weapon against injustice. Worth seeing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Political
Date reviewed: 1/28/2006
The Amazing Spider-man
Normally I’m not so into the reboot thing, but this one actually wasn’t too bad. The de-Sam-Raimi’d take on the classic superhero returns to the original comics for the small details (such as mechanical rather than biological web shooters). The Lizard was a favorite supervillain from my childhood, though I never thought they’d use him in a movie. It was also nice to see the hero actually fight crime rather than spending half the picture dithering around about his personal problems. I’d see a sequel to this if and when they make one. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Superhero
Date reviewed: 1/3/13
The Amazing Spider-man 2
After the first chapter of this Spider-man iteration, I was expecting something considerably better here. The villains leave a lot to be desired. Jamie Foxx makes a goofy, unfocused Electro, and the Green Goblin appears so late in the show that they might as well have saved him for the next sequel. But the real killer for me … and this is a major spoiler, so be warned … was the death of Gwen Stacy. I know she died in the original comics, but Emma Stone was a big part of why I picked this movie up to begin with. And though this is situational and subjective, I really wasn’t in the mood for a sad ending. Wrap this up differently, and it’s a fun action picture. As it stands, it’s a bummer. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Superhero
Date reviewed: 1/14/15
Amelia
Amelia Earhart gets the standard Hollywood biopic treatment, a picture that skips like a stone across the surface of her life without providing detail or insight that might have made the title character seem interesting or even human. Hilary Swank did a better job of looking the part than she did playing the woman, which didn’t exactly help. I suppose if you had to do a report on the aviator for a middle school history class, this would give you enough detail to complete the assignment. But otherwise it’s expensive, slickly-produced, visually interesting but almost completely devoid of anything that would have made it a worthwhile experience. Earhart deserved better. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Biography
Date reviewed: 3/20/2010
Amelie
Normally I don’t care for movies as self-consciously quirky as this one, but for some reason this time around it sort of worked. The non-story swirls around a distracted young French woman whom fate inspires to perform secret good deeds for people. Thanks at least in part to some good camerawork, editing and effects, this doesn’t turn out to be anywhere near as tedious as a one-paragraph review no doubt makes it sound. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 2/17/2007
Amen.
After Mad City I just about gave up on Costa-Gavras, but I’m glad I decided to give him another try. This tale of the Catholic church’s complicity in the Holocaust is a lot closer to the director’s traditional stomping grounds. The plot follows two idealistic young men – an SS officer with a crisis of conscience and a priest in whom he confides – as they learn some hard lessons about international diplomacy and the Pope’s unwillingness to speak out against the mass slaughter of Jewish people. The story remains intriguing throughout, depressing and unflinching enough to do justice to its subject matter. Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Holocaust
Date reviewed: 10/26/2003
America Beyond the Color Line
This is actually a four-part series originally produced for PBS, but it all fits on one DVD and works well as a single piece of documentary film-making. Harvard professor Henry Louis “Skip” Gates Jr. roams across America examining issues facing black Americans in the 21st century. To tell the truth, after the first episode I almost quit watching it. Gates’s interviews with middle class black people weren’t bad, but they were very PBS (safe, comfortable beauty-of-diversity stuff). But then it got better. Episode two did a solid job of covering the class distinctions so intimately linked with racism. Episode three examined the success of black people who’ve “made it” in the mainstream. The portraits of programs designed to provide opportunities were interesting, but questions about loss of culture resulting from integration into “white America” went largely unanswered. The final episode focused on black celebrities in Hollywood, where it proved funny that a town famous for being all about fake artifice appeared to be one of the only places in the country where an honest conversation about racism was taking place. Though far from comprehensive, this was an interesting picture of the highs and lows of the current black experience. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Political
Date reviewed: 2/27/2009
American Assassin
This starts out to be a mildly amusing bit of low-budget documentary film-making about Lee Harvey Oswald’s defection to the Soviet Union and brief career in a radio factory in Minsk. Even when we start getting bad reenactments of events in Oswald’s life (featuring an actor who bears little or no resemblance to the man he’s playing). But eventually as all such productions apparently must, it departs from the facts and veers into speculation. And again following the usual Kennedy assassination buff pattern, speculation becomes evidence that in turn becomes a one-sided account of events. Even that would have been okay if this had added anything new or even interesting to the discussion, but it didn’t. See if desperate
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 11/25/2007
An American Crime
John Waters once expressed a desire to make a movie out of Gertrude Baniszewski’s murder of Sylvia Likens. They should have let him take a stab at it. At his worst, he’s still way better than this turned out to be. When making a true crime movie, care should be taken not to stray too far from the established record, and the nature of this particular crime demands even closer attention to detail. Yet much of this picture seems profoundly inauthentic. I was particularly disappointed by Catherine Keener’s portrayal of the killer. Despite her talent and range, she plays Gertie like an emotionless automaton too gooned on cough syrup to muster the level of savagery inflicted on Sylvia. Further, an apparent squeamishness about portraying violence causes the victim to disappear partially or entirely from the scenes portraying the crimes themselves. Those with an actual interest in the murder and the patience to read a book should turn to Kate Millet’s The Basement and give the movie version a miss. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 5/25/2009
American Dreamz
What a strange little movie. I’m not sure there’s much inherent entertainment value in satirizing “American Idol,” as the show sort of automatically mocks itself. And when that’s all the picture does, it’s predictably dull. However, every once in awhile something quirky enters the fray, such as the President of the United States (clearly based on George W) getting it into his head that he actually wants to start reading newspapers. Thus while one shouldn’t expect much from the sitcom story line, viewing is nonetheless rewarded by occasional moments of genuine humor. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Situation
Date reviewed: 12/27/2006
American Drug War
Once again a documentary crushes itself under its own trendy weight. At heart this is an important piece of film-making. Director Kevin Booth makes many crucial points about the United States’ so-called war on drugs, providing clear evidence that the whole mess – from the laws themselves to the way they’re enforced – is little but a reprehensible attempt to re-institute slavery in this country. But then he saddles the story with a stiff coating of post-Michael-Moore nonsense. In particular, an excessive quantity of screen time is devoted to Booth’s personal problems, particularly the damage drugs and the war thereon have done to him and his friends. Further, some of the interviews are put together in ways that make their subjects sound crazy, even when they aren’t. Overall I admire the guts it took to make this movie. I just wish a bit more brain had been added to the mix. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 3/20/2008
American Experience: My Lai
After an hour and a half, I didn’t feel like I knew a lot more about the My Lai massacre than I did going in (though if you don’t know anything about it at all you will learn quite a bit before it’s through). For me the interesting part was seeing some of the participants – direct and indirect – talk about one of the less proud moments in the Army’s history. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 2/11/11
American Gangster
Imagine Serpico and Scarface awkwardly crammed into the same movie, with one Pacino part played by Russell Crowe and the other by Denzel Washington. Unfortunately, the production picks up the worst elements of its predecessors. It’s boring like Serpico, and it supplies the same empty-headed worship of drug crime that made Scarface such a hit. The overall plot itself isn’t bad, and some of the acting is okay. But the good points swiftly get lost in a two-hour mass of dull intrigue and macho posturing. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 3/9/2008
American Gigolo
For something ostensibly about sex and murder, this sure is a boring movie. Richard Gere plays a male prostitute (one who services women, no less) who ends up framed for murder. The plot itself isn’t all that interesting, so the art direction and soundtrack are left to carry the film more or less by themselves. They almost do it. Almost. If you’re interested in Paul Schrader’s movies, this film is fairly typical of his work. Otherwise it’s missable. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 2000
American Hardcore
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a requirement that if you make a documentary about a music genre that’s been dead for two decades, it just has to come out boring. What we get here from the “stars” of the hardcore punk scene in the early 80s is exactly what we get from the aged stars of any other faded form of music: an endless parade of talking heads extolling the virtues of their glory days, grabbing credit for punk’s innovative “firsts,” and generally wishing they’d died before they got old. I guess it was nice to learn that some of these folks were still alive after all these years. But I don’t feel like I came out of this much wiser about the genre than I was when I went in. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Music
Date reviewed: 3/18/2007
An American Haunting
The Bell Witch legend could have been made into a terrifically spooky movie. And that’s just what this starts out to be. However, by 30 or 40 minutes in, the film-makers have obviously either run out of ideas or they’re trying to do something other than tell a ghost story. I almost wish the former had been the case. This turns out to be like one of those long, complicated tales that ends up being about how the protagonist’s life was changed by Jesus. Though the secret sermon is about something besides Christ (and I can’t say what the lesson is without ruining the surprise), it’s nonetheless unwelcome to find out at the end that you’ve been tricked into watching a message piece. Thus is one of America’s better “true” ghost stories rendered preachy and dull. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 11/21/2006
American History X
This brutal portrait of a family struggling with racism is well-written and well-acted. But be warned: when I say “brutal,” I mean it. The film-makers pull few punches either with the skinhead characters’ language or the depictions of the violent acts they commit. Further, the black-and-white flashbacks are a teeny bit pretentious, and the sound is inconsistent. Get by that, though, and the rest of the film is an extremely rewarding experience, one of the few films on race relations that manages to stay reasonably distant from the usual preachy Hollywood sentiment on the subject. Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 1999
American Hustle
ABSCAM gets an indie dramedy twist. The celebrity casting and the off-the-rack soundtrack compete for most overpowering element of what might otherwise have been a more entertaining production. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 8/3/14
An American in Paris
If you’re a big Gershwin fan, then you’re in for a treat here. Otherwise get comfortable, because you’re in for a long ride. Even Gene Kelly can’t do much to save this musical from taking itself far too seriously. Some of the song and dance numbers aren’t too bad, but others drag on and on (the famous show-stopper toward the end is practically a movie all by itself). And of course the art direction and choreography are nothing short of legendary. The real problem is that between the musical routines are extended periods in which the weak plot, dreadful dialogue and shallow characters are left to carry the film forward unassisted. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Musical
Date reviewed: 1999
American Movie
Few films manage to successfully pull off genuinely, profoundly funny or sad, and fewer still do both at once. Thus this low budget documentary about the making of a low budget movie is a rare bit of cinema art. The film follows the exploits of auteur-wannabe Mark Borchardt and his group of white trash Wisconsin accomplices as they try to make a short horror flick called “Coven” (pronounced with a long O, because apparently pronouncing it correctly would have made it sound too much like “oven”). The absurdity of their inept, inherently doomed efforts are plenty amusing, but at the same time the pathetic hopelessness of their aspirations is also more than a little depressing. In the end this outing does for independent film-making what Decline of Western Civilization Part Two did for heavy metal music. Worth seeing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Outre
Date reviewed: 2000
The American Nightmare
The interviews that form the meat of this documentary about seventies-era low-budget horror movies are downright fascinating (for the most part). But given that many of the subjects either haven’t worked at all or haven’t done anything substantial for many a year, perhaps they didn’t have much better to do than sit down and give good interviews. Romero, Carpenter, Hooper, Craven, and Cronenberg all had interesting things to say about the early days of indie horror. I found Tom Savini’s remarks about the connections between his work and the real-life horrors he experienced in Vietnam especially compelling. However, a fair amount of screen time also ends up squandered on commentary from academics (not the end of the world, but not as good as chat from the guys who were really responsible for the sub-genre) and montages of footage of nuclear explosions, Vietnamese casualties, race riots and so on. Result: anecdotal information is great, but attempts to prove some bigger point from it all come across as more than a little heavy-handed. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Horror
Date reviewed: 5/6/2004
American Pie
Thank goodness these film-makers have thoughtfully provided the new generation of teenagers with their very own version of Porky’s. Otherwise there might be a whole crop of adolescents who might grow up without this sort of stunted, boy-centered view of human sexuality. The plot, to the extent that there is one, centers around four high school seniors who form a virginity-losing pact. The sappy ending does little to excuse the extensive parade of disgusting humor, including a now-semi-legendary scene in which one of our protagonists gets caught masturbating using an apple pie. See if desperate
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Sex
Date reviewed: 1999
The American President
Imagine a lovelorn, widowed President getting the hots for an environmental lobbyist. Imagine Michael Douglas as the President. Imagine Annette Benning as the lobbyist. Imagine Rob Reiner directing. There, now you don’t have to see the movie. See if desperate
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Romance
Date reviewed: 5/16/12
American Psycho
Stay away from me. Here’s a faithfully empty-headed cinematic retelling of Bret Easton Ellis’ tale of a yuppie driven to ultra-violence by 80s excess and ennui. Snore. I guess this is supposed to be Rand-ism taken to its unseemly nth degree. But if most irony falls flat because it requires viewers to be able to hold two ideas in their heads at once, then this feeble offering flops because it requires the audience to hold no ideas in their heads for the 90-some-minute running time. References to cultural background material ranging from Dostoevsky to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre likewise fail to impress. The production is slick, but the acting is wooden (though I concede this approach is at least appropriate to the plot). And though I think women should get more jobs directing mainstream Hollywood movies, this time around it just reeked of see-it-isn’t-anti-feminist-backlash-because-a-woman-directed-it, or at the very least couldn’t-get-anyone-else-to-touch-this-leper-of-a-movie-with-a-ten-foot-pole. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 2000
American Psycho 2
Wow. Who would ever have thought that it would be physically possible to make a movie even dumber than American Psycho? There’s a minor touch of novelty here in that the serial killer is a teenage girl rather than a slayer of teenage girls. Otherwise this is just another witless slasher flick, lacking even the pseudo-intellectual stamp of connection to Bret Easton Ellis (unless you count the weak tie to Patrick Bateman’s crimes from the original; our cute little killer is supposedly the only person who ever survived a Bateman attack). I confess this movie lost most of my good will early on when psycho-babe put a cat in a microwave, and it didn’t do much past then to worm its way back into my good graces. Extra added bonus: William Shatner. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 8/8/2002
American Scary
Many of us have childhood memories of late night horror movies hosted by people dressed up as vampires. Mine are of Crematia Mortem, who hosted fright night on one of the Kansas City U’s back when I was a teenager in the early 80s. Usually KC doesn’t get much of a mention in national documentaries, so I was surprised to see some old Crematia clips show up in this, along with some talking head footage of Roberta Solomon, the actress who played her. Of course KC wasn’t alone. This is a fairly comprehensive documentary about fright night hosts, featuring some of the better-known personalities (Vampira, Elvira, Joe Bob Briggs and John Stanley) as well as more obscure acts from smaller media markets. This would have been a better movie if it had devoted more screen time to vintage video from the shows themselves and spent less time dwelling on interviews going on at length about boring anecdotes. The music (a constant stream of low-level retro lounge noise) was also unwelcome. Otherwise this was an entertaining account of a now largely bygone venue for bad movies bracketed by improv character acting. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Documentary
Date reviewed: 4/8/2009
The American Scream
Yet again a documentary team turns an eye on yet another subculture of obsessives. This time around it’s the folks who turn their yards into haunted houses for Halloween. We get a mix of three protagonists – the nerd, the good ol’ boy and the mildly mentally ill guy – with different approaches to their craft. But all of them have two things in common: too much time on their hands and too much space available to store their set pieces and props for the other 11 months of the year. Still, their creations are interesting, occasionally bordering on artistic. As obsessions go, this beats spelling bees or crossword puzzles. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 11/19/12
American Sniper
The parts of this movie that are actually about what snipers do for a living are actually interesting and well-assembled. Director Clint Eastwood has a gift for gritty, realistic action scenes. Not so much with the mopey redneckery that occupies the majority of the screen time in this offering. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 7/11/15
An American Werewolf in London
This one’s a real darling of many werewolf movie fans. And though I usually count myself as a member of that particular crowd, for some reason this outing just didn’t do as much for me as it should have. My lack of satisfaction might have been due in part to my long-standing antipathy for horror-comedy mixes, particularly when they’re more on the comedy side. Further, the script spends so much time dwelling on the “werewolf rules” that I’d almost swear I was watching a vampire movie. On the other hand, this one’s got several things going for it, not the least of which is a monster that’s obviously neither a big dog nor a guy in a suit. There are also some good scares to be found here, such as the odd Nazi-demon-nightmare sequence. When the movie’s being shocking rather than silly, it’s a lot of fun. If that had just been a little more of the total running time, director John Landis would have been looking at a higher rating for his effort. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Werewolf
Date reviewed: 2001
An American Werewolf in Paris
Very much like the London version, with a touch or two of The Howling stirred in for variety. Some of the werewolf effects were pretty impressive, particularly in the Club de la Lune sequence. They managed to correct a few of the drawbacks of the first one (i.e. they gave it a happy ending), but otherwise the sequel follows the original script pretty closely. Oh, and a small measure of gratuitous dog violence. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Werewolf
Date reviewed: 1998
Amistad
Though I’m usually not fond of Steven Spielberg’s efforts to be a serious film-maker, this one’s not too bad. Sure, it’s shamelessly manipulative, freely bending several historical truths for the sake of a more clear-cut drama. And it would be easy to dismiss it as yet another Hollywood version of slavery and other race issues portrayed as a conflict between good white people and bad white people. On the other hand, it does feature some strong African characters. And it’s particularly notable as one of the frankest and most brutally honest portrayals of the trans-Atlantic slave trade ever put on film; those who always thought Melville’s “Benito Cereno” might have benefited from a fresh perspective should enjoy this take on slave ship mutinies. Though ultimately it plays a lot like an Americanized version of The Mission with a happy ending, it’s not bad for a sentimental, feel-good version of history. Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 2000
The Amityville Curse
The curse must go something like this: “For now and forever, let all movies with ‘Amityville’ in the title have nothing at all to do with the original tale of demonic house possession. Instead, may they all be cheap attempts to market moronic ghost stories. So mote it be!” See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 12/12/12
The Amityville Haunting
The Amityville thing gets the Paranormal Activity treatment, swiftly turning into a worst-of-both-worlds production. Other than being set in the notorious DeFeo/Lutz house, it has only the most marginal connections to the Amityville thread. Nor does it take advantage of low-budget benefits such as the freedom to include chills that an expensive production wouldn’t have the guts to try. Everything here is mediocre booga-booga crap. Indeed, the story can’t even stay true to its supposed “real footage” format, frequently including shots and edits that would have been unlikely if not completely impossible for a teenager with a camcorder to have captured. The result is one of those pictures that in no way rewards the amount of attention you have to pay to it to even see the spooky stuff. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Demon
Date reviewed: 2/13/12
The Amityville Horror
By now most folks are familiar with the story behind this sensation from the 70s: a family going through some economic hard times decides to write a book about how their house was possessed by the nondescript forces of darkness. It was a big scandal when the truth came out about this supposed work of nonfiction and the movie based thereupon. But in retrospect, it makes the film all the more intriguing. The careful viewer can strive to sort the elements that accurately depict a small businessman turning to alcohol as his business goes down the tubes from the parts that are shamelessly stolen from The Exorcist. Happy hunting! Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Demon
Date reviewed: 1999
Amityville 2: The Possession
This picture takes a worst-of-both-worlds approach to combining the original Amityville Horror with The Exorcist. Of course by the time this one went into production the whole “true story” gag had fallen through, so it was either come up with something new or fall back on demonic possession clichés. Guess which path got chosen. The first half of the movie is okay despite inept film-making and an especially icky incest subplot. However, the inevitable family massacre occurs with a considerable amount of the movie still to go, and most everything after that is a dull battle between a latex-slathered teenager and James Olson as a lackluster priest. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Demon
Date reviewed: 7/15/2008
Amityville 3D
Wow. I don't know what happened here. Usually "Part 3 in 3-D" sequels are way better than this. Actually this picture is impressive in one respect: after "Part 2: The Stinkeroo" it's incredible they were able to find financing for another round. If 3-D devil flies are on your bucket list, then dash on out and rent this crapfest. Otherwise it may be safely missed. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Demon
Date reviewed: 2/25/11
The Amityville Horror (2005)
This isn’t Detroit, it’s … well, Detroit might have been a scarier movie. This isn’t horror as much as it’s the Amityville Annoyance. The Lutzes and the sad tale of their possessed house might have made a much better production than this. The book at least had a little potential. Not much, but a little. Even the first movie was scarier. The script is terrible (great priest quote: “Mrs. Lutz, your house frightens me”). The acting is sub-par. But worst of all, the production relies almost entirely on the booga-booga shot for entertainment value. A couple of them sort of work, but for the most part they’re the cinematic equivalent of a handshake with a joy buzzer: as witless as they are unwelcome. Further, the end fell even flatter than the rest of the picture. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Demon
Date reviewed: 5/6/2005
Anaconda
I have an odd history with this movie. I saw it for the first time back in 1999, but for some strange reason I forgot to review it, which I didn’t discover until I watched another giant snake movie in 2004. Well, my opinion of it is pretty much the same ten years later after a re-screening. The monster snake has far more charm and personality than any of the boatload of B-list actors it squares off against. At least the budget was big enough to keep things vaguely entertaining. Awful hard on the animals, though. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 4/30/2009
Anacondas: The Hunt for
the Blood Orchid
Them big snakes is at it again. There’s some mish-mash in here about a scientific expedition searching for a flower that may prove to be the fountain of youth, but really it’s just an excuse to drop a group of Americans into a jungle full of big, computer-animated reptiles. I guess they’re supposed to be vicious and all, but it’s almost hard not to feel sorry for them in the end given that their human opponents just spent the last hour and a half making themselves as unsympathetic as possible. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 12/21/2004
Anacondas: Trail of Blood
Beware Halloween, Friday the 13th and Hellraiser. Apparently even after a series outlives any natural usefulness it might have had, it can still live on with new installments generated by the Sci Fi Channel. In this go-around the giant CGI snake comes with an extra added bonus: it’s been treated with a drug that allows it to regenerate if it’s injured. The stuff must also make it all extra hungry, because it swallows dude after dude and comes right back for more. And with no less than three groups of nitwits wandering around in the woods, it’s a real anaconda smorgasbord. Overall the production is vaguely entertaining in a you-get-what-you-pay-for way. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 6/8/2009
Analyze This
Mafia comedies seldom seem to work for me, and despite Robert DeNiro’s typically workmanlike performance this one just never seems to come together. The juxtaposition of DeNiro as a mob boss and Billy Crystal’s stand-up-esque portrayal of a psychiatrist serves as the source for most of the laughs, but sadly most of the intended quirkiness was awkward rather than entertaining. The situation comedy has a couple of moments, such as Crystal’s nightmare with Godfather overtones. But for the most part the funniest gags were in the ads for the movie. And to top it all off, the triumph of feel-good psycho-babble is what passes for a happy ending. See if desperate
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Situation
Date reviewed: 1999
Anamorph
My initial impression of this movie was “oh boy, another Seven rip-off.” And though some aspects of the production turned out to be a little cooler than they initially appeared, the story is severely hampered by lack of originality. Willem Dafoe plays a semi-retired cop who thought he caught a serial killer with a fetish for artistically arranging his crime scenes. But when a “copycat” starts committing similar crimes, our hero is drawn back into the fray. At first I thought the corpse sculpture theme was cheap, but as the plot progressed it sort of grew on me. If nothing else, I appreciated the references to actual art history mixed in with the art director’s conceits. If only the script had been as interesting as the visuals. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 3/8/2010
Anastasia
I saw this the same weekend that the remains of the last two generations of the Romanovs were interred in Moscow. The ceremony and the movie share a certain unique perspective on history (i.e. Nicholas has somehow been transformed into a hero, no doubt leaving other long-term residents of Hell like Hitler and more recent additions like Pol Pot a little glimmer of hope), and the movie shows even less connection with reality (both Anastasia and Rasputin survive the revolution, though the latter appears to be a bit the worse for wear). Otherwise pretty typical Don Bluth Disney-wannabe stuff. Oh, and for the record, I rewatched part of this film a second time on a larger TV screen, and it did improve slightly. Still, the politics were hard to get around. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Animation
Date reviewed: 1998
Anatomy
After the Germans pioneered horror cinema back in the days before talkies, their contribution to the genre went more than a bit downhill. However, if this effort is any indication they may be on the rebound. Here we have the tale of a medical student who gets accepted to a prestigious anatomy school in Heidelberg only to discover that the place is infested by a secret society of “anti-Hippocratics” intent on vivisecting paralyzed human subjects. Though beset by a number of boring, slasher-movie conventions (especially toward the end), there’s also some more thought-provoking stuff to be found, including questions of research-over-ethics that delve not only into the country’s Nazi past but also into the current affairs of large drug companies looking to cut corners. The visuals are also slick and stylish without being quite as pretentious as more Wenders-inspired work sometimes tends to be. Indeed, my only real gripe was that in the version I saw the dubbing was a bit awkward and some of the dialogue (particularly attempts at humor) didn’t translate especially well. Otherwise this is the best horror movie in years to make a westward trip across the Atlantic. Worth seeing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 2001
Anatomy of a Murder
I’m fond of this movie for one reason: the second half of the picture is devoted to one of the most realistic depictions of a criminal trial ever included in a studio release. Of course it’s still a far cry from the real thing. But at least it sorta follows proper procedure. Objections are usually used correctly, and so on. Oddly enough, the de-Hollywood-ization of the courtroom actually makes this a more interesting picture to watch, as home-spun defense lawyer Jimmy Stewart squares off against slick state prosecutor George C. Scott using the actual law rather than some made-up nonsense. Unfortunately, the rest of the picture isn’t as good. Many of the out-of-court shenanigans are much more standard lawyers-never-really-do-this silliness. Further, the end was both predictable and inferior to To Kill a Mockingbird, a movie that makes the same point but with greater emotional depth and less cynicism. Even the Duke Ellington soundtrack is a mixed blessing. Musically it’s brilliant stuff, but it’s intrusive in places. Still, the trial scenes make the rest of it worthwhile. Worth seeing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Courtroom
Date reviewed: 11/14/2009
Anchorman
This is the movie I expected to get when I rented Elf. And just as I was pleasantly surprised when Elf turned out to be somewhat entertaining, I was unpleasantly reminded here of what crimes against humor Will Ferrell is capable of perpetrating. The plot’s some trite nonsense about a local news anchor in the 1970s coming to grips with a female co-worker. But the story’s beside the point. Sadly, the main purpose of this sad production is a relentless showcase for jokes that might charitably be described as quirky but would be more aptly called moronic. This also features a heapin’ helpin’ of that old SNL standby: when the joke doesn’t work, just keep doing it and dragging it out and doing it some more, hoping to draw a laugh out of the audience’s sheer embarrassment. That rarely works live and certainly doesn’t work here. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Situation
Date reviewed: 12/28/2004
Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy
At no point in this entire movie does the antagonist make the slightest noise, let alone scream. Sadly, that’s nowhere near this picture’s greatest defect. That honor is evenly shared between the amateur acting, dreadful script, and intensely uneven pace. I’ll let horror movies get away with a lot, and leeway typically extends even further when a mummy is involved (even when it’s an Aztec mummy like this one rather than the more traditional, Egyptian variety). But even my lax standards don’t accommodate dull movies, and this one goes so long between interesting moments that even “dull” doesn’t do it justice. Just about the only novel or noteworthy element here is that the teenage guys spend more time stripped down to their underwear than do their female counterparts. So if that floats your boat, you might want to check it out. Otherwise ... Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Mummy
Date reviewed: 2000
The Andersonville Trial
George C. Scott helms this video recording of a stage play about the eponymous legal proceeding. This must have been one of those “prestige projects” that attracts big-name actors (even the characters in the background are played by people who were famous at the time or have become famous since) to a small-budget production. And of course given the era that spawned it, a lot of the hand-wringing about morality in war tasted more like My Lai than the Civil War. However, for the most part it was an interesting dramatization of one of the world’s first war crimes trials. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 3/25/11
And Now for Something
Completely Different
The title of this production is both directly apt – Monty Python fans will of course recognize one of the better-known catch-phrases from the Flying Circus series – and ironic, as there’s little if any difference between the skits in this movie and the skits from the TV show. The dead parrot, the nudge-nudge guy, the lumberjack song … the classics never die. Alas, no spam. But otherwise if you’re in search of a Cliff’s Notes intro to one of England’s most famous comedy teams, seek no more. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Sketch
Date reviewed: 4/2/2006
And Now the Screaming Starts
After that, the yawning gets underway. During the brief bits of this movie when something is actually happening, it’s actually not too bad for a British period piece. The core of the plot is about a curse placed on the descendants of a libertine who raped a peasant’s wife and then cut off the guy’s hand. Unfortunately, the back-story doesn’t come out until well past the midway point. And by then too much screen time had been wasted on long, go-nowhere meanderings throughout the dimly-lit halls of the estate. The cast (Herbert Lom, Patrick Magee, and of course Peter Cushing) is good but could have been used to better effect. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 4/12/2008
The Andromeda Strain
This movie is fun for a few reasons. First, it’s one of the original “deadly plague threatens to wipe out humanity” movies, made back in the day when creator Michael Crichton didn’t suck quite so bad. And like another Crichton creation, The Terminal Man, it’s a good example of what the future looked like back before the advent of more realistic sci fi in the late 70s. It’s also nice to return to the golden days of yesteryear, when plot and character were as important as special effects even in a sci fi movie. Though this is a distinctly dated movie, it still packs the ability to entertain. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 6/8/2007
The Andromeda Strain (2008)
Michael Crichton’s germ paranoia classic gets dragged into the 21st century. In this remake the virus is smarter and everything else is dumber. The microbes kill everything in their path, and they have an incubation period of around five seconds. So a cadre of brilliant scientists – both aided and hindered by the Army – retire to a top-secret lab to concoct an antidote while an investigative journalist flounders around just enough to pad the plot to feature length (or to miniseries length if you’re watching the unedited version, which I didn’t). The production bets heavily on the power of the premise and a handful of wouldn’t-it-be-cool-if sequences, and as a result it comes up short. Of course it doesn’t help that the whole thing screams “made for TV.” See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 4/27/2010
And the Band Played On
It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that this made-for-HBO movie falls into some of the same holes as the book of the same name by Randy Shilts. The problems and solutions are too simple (such as laying such a large chunk of it at Gaetan Dugas’ doorstep) and the issues all too black and white (for example, Robert Gallo probably isn’t as big a villain as he’s made out to be here). But it’s still a fairly compelling drama, especially by TV movie standards. My opinion may be a little colored by a childhood interest in epidemiology, but I do still like a good movie about fatal diseases. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 1999
Angels and Demons
Just as The Da Vinci Code was almost exactly what I expected, so this one was as well. It’s full of the usual Dan Brown nonsense that oddly enough was done to better effect in National Treasure, a movie that isn’t even directly based on Brown’s writing. They spent a lot of money on it, though apparently not as much as the first one because the female lead wasn’t a big star like last time. And as with the book, I appreciated the religious dynamic; it was less atheists vs. the Roman Catholic church and more good Catholics (aided by atheists) vs. bad Catholics. However, in place of the direct assault we get a lot of sermonizing about the false dichotomy between science and religion. Preachiness aside, it’s a reasonably good big budget thriller. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 11/26/2009
Anima
There are all kinds of different movies about Nazis. The two sub-genres that concern us here are Spooky Nazis and Sentimental Holocaust Nazis. With promises of mummies, evil taxidermy and the like, the box made this one sound like a member of the former group. Instead, it’s even more firmly anchored in the latter than the likes of The Music Box. Our protagonists are a couple of postwar refugees trying to live out their remaining years in quiet, rural seclusion. Unfortunately for their quaint, blissful lives, a video producer discovers that the old man is either a Nazi war criminal, an expert in a lost form of taxidermy, or both. Once I figured out what I was getting, it was easier to meet the film-makers on their own terms and enjoy their efforts as best I could. However, when I watched it I really wasn’t in the mood for an extended parade of artifice, go-nowhere subplots, bathos, bathos and more bathos. Maybe on another night I’d have formed a higher opinion of it. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Holocaust
Date reviewed: 9/21/2002
The Animal
I want to write the next Rob Schneider movie for Happy Madison. A guy who eats a lot of food from Subway is hit by a bolt of lightning and fused at the molecular level with his lunch and goes on to fight evil with his newfound lunchmeat powers. Some random doofus swallows a radioactive booger and ends up with uncontrollable chest hair and fingernail growth, so he battles the forces of darkness with his long hair and nails. A ne'er-do-well clerk gets animal part implants from a mad scientist and uses the animal powers to beat bad guys and win the woman of his dreams. So okay, other than the title giving it away, what's the difference between the actual plot of this movie and the other two that I just pulled out of my ass? Seriously guys, just do a deal with Lorne Michaels and make Copy Machine Guy: The Motion Picture. It couldn't be much worse than this. See if desperate
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Situation
Date reviewed: 7/29/11
Anna and the King
For anyone who ever wondered what The King and I would be like without the musical numbers, here’s the answer. Jodie Foster and Chow Yun Fat star as the famous schoolteacher and her equally famous boss in this big budget retelling of the old, familiar story. To be sure, events are stripped of much of their sugar coating. For example, things end not at all well for Tuptim and her beau, both of whom suffer a graphic fate. The location shooting also contributes to a greater sense of realism. Oddly enough, however, this version dishes up a substantially happier (and more than a little implausible) ending than the musical. The result is entertaining enough, but not quite the classic that the Yul Brynner version has become. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 2001
Anne Frank Remembered
No matter how many times I hear this story in no matter how many different retellings, I always find myself foolishly hoping that this time around the Franks won’t get caught, or perhaps that they’ll all survive the camps just a little bit longer and make it to liberation so they can be reunited in the end. This documentary distinguishes itself with interviews with people who knew the Franks – especially Anne – before or during the Holocaust. It also features quite an array of photos of the family, the kind of thing I just assumed had mostly been torched in the war. Worth seeing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Holocaust
Date reviewed: 2/14/2010
Anne of the Thousand Days
No matter how many times I hear this story in no matter how many different retellings, I always find myself foolishly hoping that this time around the Franks won’t get caught, or perhaps that they’ll all survive the camps just a little bit longer and make it to liberation so they can be reunited in the end. This documentary distinguishes itself with interviews with people who knew the Franks – especially Anne – before or during the Holocaust. It also features quite an array of photos of the family, the kind of thing I just assumed had mostly been torched in the war. Worth seeing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Holocaust
Date reviewed: 2/14/2010
Annie
I’m genuinely amazed that such a picture could be produced without a drop of irony to be found anywhere. Honestly, I could have dealt with the treacle, the clichés, the racism, the sexism, the songs, the choreography and even the more-than-a-little-creepy relationship between Little Orphan Annie and Daddy Warbucks if they’d given me even a brief yes-we-realize-this-is-corny wink. But oh no. Not back in 1982 when it was “morning in America.” Nowadays of course the only reason you’d ever have to sit through an experience like this is if you get stuck in the Harmony Hut. See if desperate
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Musical
Date reviewed: 11/10/2010
Annie Hall
By all rights I should hate this film. I’m not wild about Woody Allen, especially when he gets going on his sexual hang-ups (which as near as I can tell is most of the time). I don’t really identify with the 70s-era idle intellectuals and their sad little personal problems. The dialogue strikes me as artificial, and the plot (to the extent that there is one) doesn’t seem to go much of anywhere. But still, there’s just something about this movie that I like. I can’t really explain it. So if you have to sit through one Allen film, I’d say go for this one. Worth seeing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 1999
Anonymous
The thesis here is that Shakespeare’s plays were actually written by Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford. I’m no expert on the Bard or Elizabethan England, so I had trouble following what was actually based on fact, what was conjecture and what was pure dramatic invention. This is also yet another production that pops liberally back and forth in the time stream, occasionally making the story hard to follow. On the other hand, I enjoyed the elaborate, effects-intensive recreations of 16th century London. And it warmed my heart to think the insinuation that William Shakespeare was actually a fraud and a dumbass would severely ruffle the feathers of an undergrad English professor for whom I didn’t care. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 4/16/12
Antitrust
Who would ever have thought being a computer nerd could be such an action-packed career option? I guess if you’re going to work for an evil corporation that’s trying to corner the communication software market by killing young entrepreneurs and stealing their ideas, you’re bound to be in for a somewhat bumpy ride. Tim Robbins does a good job as the creepy, Bill Gates-esque mogul at the helm of the creepy, Microsoft-esque corporation that’s trying to take over the world. Thank goodness for the wunderkind programmer who, recently hired by the bad guys and prompted by the assassination of one of his old friends, decides to bring the whole show to a halt. Spectacularly uninteresting intrigue ensues. This one’s mostly for the techno-geek set. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 1/14/2003
Antz
Here we’ve got yet another big budget animation that keeps rolling mostly with the force of the guess-the-celebrity-voice game. I suppose they must have spent a tremendous amount on all the complex computer animation, especially since they apparently had to make all the bugs physically resemble the celebrities on the soundtrack. The plot’s pretty cliché, but on occasion it borders on entertaining. Mildly amusing
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Animation
Date reviewed: 1999
Any Given Sunday
A long time ago, back when I was in grad school, I encountered a group of drunken frat boys outside a bar. Two or three of them had one of their brethren pinned up against a car, and they were loudly trying to persuade him to do something (or not to do something; I wasn’t exactly clear which). “Does honor not live forever?” one of the guys kept screaming at his buddy. The feeling I got listening to these intoxicated idiots talk about “honor” is the same feeling I had after watching this movie. Oliver Stone seems to get more frantic with every new production, which means that this one spends a considerable amount of time bordering on hysteria. Somewhere behind an endless parade of amateurish editing and other visual rah-rah is the story of pampered, overpaid glory boy football stars, their corporate taskmasters, various hangers-on, and how hard the whole crowd has it. The intense, overwhelming male bonding ultimately comes across as gay in a really unpleasant, dysfunctional way. The cast, including Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Jamie Fox (in a rare non-comedic role, or at least this time around he’s intentionally not being funny), and a galaxy of other supporting-cast stars never have much of a chance against Stone’s relentless, heavy-handed direction. And to top it all off, the conspiracy nonsense from JFK continues to linger, showing up in odd places such as the logos of opposing teams and the numerological significance of scores (for example, watch to see just how many times games end up at 17 to 21 at one point or another). See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Sports
Date reviewed: 2000
Apartment 143
More “found footage.” More ghost-hunting. More families with dark secrets. Yay. The folks who made this picture must have taken a “How to Make a Horror Movie” class, paid rapt attention during the “booga booga” lecture but then skipped or slept for the rest of the semester. A handful of the shock shots supply a thrill or two, but the plot, script and characters are pure crud. Even the good moments are offset by the copious use of annoying racket such an endlessly ringing phone, that buzzing noise you get in your ears sometimes, and general cacophony. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 10/3/12
Apartment 1303
Tedious ghost story. The acting is okay and the production values are good (thank goodness no found footage crap). But the script is weak, exploiting the same shocks over and over, never really progressing much beyond the bare bones of a haunted apartment tale. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 5/25/14
The Ape
Boris Karloff is sort of a mad scientist Boo Radley in this odd picture from 1940. The townspeople distrust him, and local kids throw rocks at his house. But he’s actually trying to help a wheelchair-bound woman by working on a serum to cure her paralysis. Unfortunately, his experiments require “donations” from the locals, which he obtains by masquerading as an escaped circus gorilla. Not exactly Karloff’s finest moment. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Mad scientist
Date reviewed: 12/16/2009
Apocalypse
Once again the convoluted End Times story gets dragged onto the big screen (or in this case the straight-to-video screen). Ostensibly this is the story of two journalists who find themselves confronted by the Rapture and subsequent Tribulation, discovering their personal relationships with Jesus along the way. However, the “foreground” story turns out to be window dressing for sermonizing by Jack and Rexella Van Impe and extended sequences that amount to little more than Christian music video. I was hoping for a fresh take on the whole “Left Behind” thing. What I got was less of a story and more of a show from one of those high-band cable networks owned by specific churches. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 4/28/11
Apocalypse Now
At the outset I have to admit that this is one of my all-time favorite movies, so I can’t really give you an objective, critical analysis of it. It would probably suffice to say that Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness” and the Vietnam War make an astonishingly good combo. On top of that, Francis Ford Coppola manages to escape his normally-prosaic directing style and create a visually poetic movie. Be forewarned, however, that even for those of us who like it this is a long and somewhat emotionally draining production. Further, I recommend seeking out the “Redux” version. It’s even longer and more emotionally draining than the original theatrical release, but it contains some genuine enhancements (rather than just crap that belonged on the cutting room floor). In particular, the protagonist has a slightly less monomaniacal personality in the re-edited version. The disc doesn’t include much by way of special features (and with a movie this long that’s to be expected), but the picture clarity is worth going ahead and getting the DVD. Buy the movie
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 5/11/2002
Apocalypto
Mel Gibson wastes a couple of hours proving that action movies aren’t made substantially more interesting just by shooting them in another language. The story is straightforward enough: the lives of simple villagers are destroyed by the Aztec, who enslave them and cart them off to be sacrificed in a really gory ceremony. And that’s only half the movie. I wanted to extend at least some praise based on the absence of Euro-American characters in the production, but even that didn’t work out in the end. The direction is weak (in particular, some of the subplots are awkwardly integrated into the story flow), but the technical quality is good. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 5/26/2007
Apollo 13
As one might expect given the subject matter, this is one of those movies that moves from one calamity to the next. As historical drama, it’s interesting. As storytelling, it’s more than a little tedious. Some of the special effects are fun, particularly the weightless stuff. Overall at least some affection for Hollywood and/or NASA will make this an easier pill to swallow. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 12/3/2005
Apollo 18
I wonder how many other movie reviewers have already called this Apollo 13 meets Paranormal Activity. The “found footage” element of this picture is particularly galling, because supposedly it was shot by the crew of a secret post-Apollo-17 mission to the Moon. And yet when the mission runs afoul of vicious rock spider alien things, somehow all the footage left behind in the abandoned 16 mm cameras manages to find its way across the gulf of space and back to Earth where it gets cut into this masterpiece. That’s stupid even by the loose standards of the sub-genre. It has a good booga-booga or two, but otherwise the only interesting part of the whole picture was getting a glimpse of what a Soviet lunar lander looked like. Mildly amusing
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 3/13/12
Apple Dumpling Gang
Did you ever notice how Germans don’t do much in the comedy realm, and yet just about anything translated into German immediately becomes funny? For example, in English this picture is the evil opposite of amusing, but transform it into Das Apfelstrudelgruppen and it’s the height of hilarity. I vaguely remember seeing this in a theater when it was first released in 1975, and even back then – I was nine at the time – I thought it was stupid. So even though usually I’d partially defend a picture like this by pointing out that I’m not exactly a member of the target audience and thus not in the best position to judge its intended appeal, with this stinker I think it’s safe to say that it just stinks. Disney cranked out boxcars full of dreadful little live-action pictures in the early 70s, and this one is distinguished from most of the rest only by its western setting. A gambler (Bill Bixby) ends up stuck with three troublemaking orphans who find a gold nugget that two bungling robbers (Don Knotts and Tim Conway) try to steal, and … wait, I lost most of you by mentioning Knotts and Conway, didn’t I? See if desperate
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Western
Date reviewed: 9/16/2010
April Fool’s Day
Yes, the ending is just as lame as the title implies. Sorry for ruining it for you. On the other hand, at least that saves you from an hour and a half of pure boredom. Seriously, this is one of the dullest slasher movies I’ve ever seen. A standard group of annoying 20-somethings gather in an isolated mansion, where … well, you can probably fill in the rest for yourself. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 5/15/2010
April Fool’s Day (2008)
Video game designers should study movies like this. I mean, imagine a shooter in which you hate your own character as much as you hate the monsters that are attacking you. Then watching yourself die would be as much fun as killing the bad guys. Or maybe, if it’s anything like this movie, you’d just end up hating the whole thing. Six wealthy, obnoxious 20-somethings accidentally cause the death of one of their “friends,” and a year later the “ghost” comes back for revenge. Honestly, if you’ve seen more than a handful of pictures like this you can write a script that matches this one point for point in less time than it takes to actually watch it. Indeed, I managed to guess not only the final twist but also the corpse-to-be batting order without missing a call. The edited-for-TV version is better still. At one point one of the characters actually says “Oh fudge.” She got electrocuted a minute or two later, so at least she got spared Ralphie’s mom’s bar of soap. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 10/2/2009
Apt Pupil
I guess it’s nice to see Hollywood take a risk once in awhile on a film that isn’t your usual feel-good happy-ending fare. And even after Stand By Me and The Shawshank Redemption, the last Stephen King tale I thought I’d ever see them make into a movie was this dark quarter of Different Seasons. I haven’t read the novella since high school, but I’m told by those who remember it better than I do that the movie isn’t all that faithful to the original plot. The homosexual overtones of the relationship between the old concentration camp guard and the boy who discovers his secret past were so pronounced that I’m a little surprised the gay community didn’t take an interest in protesting the film. The animal violence was also excessive, though at least here it was an integral part of the plot (still, really isn’t there a better way to establish the badness of a character without resorting to cheap stunts like torture of animals or children?). Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 1998
Arabian Nights
As cheap miniseries versions of classic stories go, this one actually isn’t too bad. It includes the bracket, the tales everyone expects (Ali Baba and Aladdin) and three or four of the lesser-known entries. And though nobody in the cast is especially famous, some of the faces are at least recognizable. The effects are mediocre (especially the flying carpet that seems to be more of a hovering carpet), but they’re adequate to the task. The only thing that displeased me about this actually had nothing to do with the movie itself. The SyFy channel seriously needs to make sure that when it’s showing a miniseries that it shows both halves. I actually had to get the disc from Netflix just so I could find out how it ended. Grrr. Mildly amusing
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Fantasy
Date reviewed: 12/3/2009
Arachnid
This was back before the Sci Fi Channel started using computer-generated spiders, so they had to work with a giant model spider. That limited the action somewhat. But the rest of the elements are here: bad acting, bad script, implausible plot, and of course a big ol’ bunch of giant spider fu. So if that’s all it takes to make you happy, open your mouth and close your eyes. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 9/15/2007
Arachnophobia
This was back before the Sci Fi Channel started using computer-generated spiders, so they had to work with a giant model spider. That limited the action somewhat. But the rest of the elements are here: bad acting, bad script, implausible plot, and of course a big ol’ bunch of giant spider fu. So if that’s all it takes to make you happy, open your mouth and close your eyes. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 9/15/2007
Archangel
The mystery set-up here is good. Daniel Craig stars as a Russian history professor who gets caught up in the search for secret documents Beria stole from Stalin on his deathbed. So instantly I was curious to know what could possibly be so horrible that a man who openly admitted to slaughtering millions of people would want to hide it? [spoiler alert] Once the mystery is unraveled, however, it turns into a Commie version of The Boys from Brazil. Overall this is a well-put-together piece. The story was entertaining, and I liked some of the location work. This isn’t the best Russian intrigue movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s far from the worst. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 6/26/2008
Arctic Blast
A hole opens up in the ozone layer above Australia, letting in a blast of cold air that creates a wall of ice fog that destroys everything in its path. In other words, here's another SyFy-ish take on the laws of physics. Uninteresting characters struggle to find a way to plug the hole before the audience loses patience. See if desperate
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 8/10/11
Arctic Predator
As the title implies, this is a SyFy dumb blend of themes “borrowed” from The Thing and Predator. An arctic squad of researchers and military support staff unearth an invisible alien monster. The picture is completely devoid of clever twists, interesting characters or anything else that might have redeemed it. See if desperate
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 12/11/2010
Argo
It’s like Ben Affleck heard people calling him an actor/director and set out to prove them wrong on both counts. In 1980 the Canadian government and the CIA collaborated to sneak American embassy staff out of Iran disguised as a film crew, a real life story with tremendous cinematic potential. Helmed by the Cohen brothers, this might have been a successful oddball caper picture. A political thriller veteran like John Frankenheimer or William Friedkin might have made this work as an espionage movie. Affleck’s vision seems to be more “Let’s shoot The Hurt Locker as a comedy.” And in front of the camera, he adopts the listless, emotionally dead approach that seems to be a trend at the moment (may it vanish as quickly as it appeared). The Oscars didn’t snub you, buddy. They just politely turned their backs to give you the chance to slink away with some of your dignity intact. See if desperate
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Spy
Date reviewed: 3/20/13
The Aristocats
Disney creates an hour and a half of animated cats all telling the same dirty joke. Okay, that’s not really it. Instead, this is the ultra-precious tale of a rich woman’s cats (mother and three kittens) dumped in the countryside by a money-grubbing butler. Kitties are befriended by an alley cat who helps them return to Paris, vanquish the villain and regain their rightful place in the household. By this point in studio history, the quality of Disney animation had slipped considerably. The result here looks and sounds pretty cheap. See if desperate
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Animation
Date reviewed: 1/15/2007
The Aristocrats
Yes, believe it or not, this is actually an hour and a half worth of video of a gaggle of comedians telling the same joke. Sure, some of them spend time discussing the history or philosophy or sexual politics for the gag, but for the most part it’s just the same joke over and over. However, it turns out to be a little more entertaining than it sounds like it would be. My personal favorites were Billy Connoly – who seemed to be having a great deal of fun with it – and Eddie Izzard – who appeared to be so intoxicated that he couldn’t even tell the joke. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Comedy
Date reviewed: 1/6/2007
Arlington Road
Is terrorism expert Jeff Bridges being driven mad by the death of his wife and/or the class he teaches at George Washington University, or are his Cleaver-esque neighbors – Tim Robbins and Joan Cusack – really secretly part of a cabal of mad bombers? Although just about everyone in this movie has done quality work in the past, somehow this particular effort never quite manages to come together. The plot is at best mildly intriguing and at worst meandering and dumb. The sound is a particularly glaring example of the recent trend toward whispering half the dialogue and shrieking the other half amid over-wrought car chases and gun battles. Any film that involves extensive reference to both Washington D.C. and Kansas really has to work to get out of my good graces, but this one pulled it off. Mildly amusing
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 1999
Armageddon
Here we have a Sun-Classic-esque treatment of that most serious of subjects: the end of the world. This documentary (for want of a better term) features a lengthy parade of prophets (including de rigeur considerations of Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce), hysterical Iberian children, “pyramidologists,” survivalists and religious fanatics. I’ve watched this film a couple of times, once when it came out many years ago and then again recently (in the year 2000) after much of the apocalyptic gloom and doom has been conclusively refuted (at least in terms of most of the time frames proposed). Amazingly enough, a lot of the ridiculous ranting loses most if not all of its amusement value after its been conclusively proven wrong. What was once entertaining in a bad-ghost-story sort of way is now just annoying in a making-fun-of-the-mentally-ill sort of way. Or maybe I was just in a bad mood when I re-watched it. At least it wasn’t as bad as the Bruce Willis mega-movie with the same name. Mildly amusing
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Outre
Date reviewed: 2000
Armageddon (1998)
This movie made me long for the end of the world (at least assuming this film isn’t showing in Hell, and I guess that’s probably not all that safe a bet). For openers, I can’t stand Bruce Willis. Actually, I don’t know the man personally, but I dislike the flabby, balding, blue collar hero out to save the world characters he usually plays. And you know when Steve Buscemi is the high point of a movie that the rest of it is pretty much unwatchable. For the most part this is two and a half hours (which seem like a whole lot more) of one poorly-directed action sequence after another. By the end it gets to the point where enough things have gone wrong for the sole purpose of prolonging the plot that it just seems like it’s going to go on forever. Even getting the opportunity to watch Paris getting blown to bits doesn’t save this stinker. Wish I’d skipped it
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 1998
Army of Darkness
Though it’s firmly established that I really don’t like intentionally funny horror movies, this one’s even more awful than usual for such efforts. Imagine a cheap latex Satan as the fourth member of the Three Stooges, and you’ve got a general idea of what you’re in store for here. The not-very-special effects are as dreadful as the script, a boring bit of hack work that relies mostly on violence punctuated by “snappy” comeback lines that wouldn’t amuse an average twelve-year-old. The biggest insult is that this is the second (and with any luck the last) sequel to Evil Dead, a classic of low-budget fright film-making. Final analysis: any film that makes you wish Bridget Fonda had a bigger role, well, figure it out for yourselves. Verdict: wish I’d skipped it.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Demon
Date reviewed: 2000
The Arrival
This is either a mildly amusing romp in the realm of Invasion of the Body Snatchers-style paranoia (except this time the invaders are trying to snatch the entire planet rather than just our bodies) or an extremely offensive allegory on race relations in Southern California. It doesn’t appear to be taking itself all that seriously, but one can’t help but notice that the good guys are all white and almost all the bad guys are black or Hispanic. Guess it just depends on how political you think it’s trying to be. Because I’m not sure exactly what was going on in the producers’ minds, I’ll compromise and say Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 1998
Arthur and the Invisibles
This was a bit more juvenile than I expected it to be. Of course there’s nothing wrong with a kids movie actually being for kids; indeed, in many ways this was a refreshing break from grown-up-inside-joke pictures such as the Shrek series. But with Luc Besson at the helm and a cast of big-name actors – including your-parents-generation pop stars Madonna and David Bowie – I figured it might throw a few more bones to the adults in the audience. As it is, this is a blend of live action and mediocre animation that may keep the crib lizards quiet for awhile but not much more. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Fantasy
Date reviewed: 6/16/2009
The Art of Action
Considering the “Starz/Encore presents” up front and Samuel L. Jackson doing the narration, I was expecting another run-of-the-mill assemblage of scenes from martial arts movies I’d seen a hundred times. So I was pleasantly surprised when this turned out to be a thoughtful, interesting documentary about the development of the martial arts genre. Most of the emphasis is on China, but the coverage is thorough, going all the way back to the suppression of the Shaolin temple and the spread of its arts to the Chinese opera. The picture also included footage from the silent era, which showed how little the genre has progressed in many ways. To be sure, Jackson’s pseudo-hip commentary isn’t particularly welcome. But this turns out to be a good movie despite him. Verdict: worth seeing.
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Martial arts
Date reviewed: 10/18/2010
The Art of the Steal
After spending a fortune and a lifetime amassing one of the world’s most impressive collections of late 19th and early 20th century art, Albert C. Barnes set up a foundation to strictly control access to it. He had a museum built and displayed the pieces in arrangements designed to help students better understand them. When Barnes was killed in a car crash, the artwork eventually ended up in the hands of the Philadelphia Art Museum, which Barnes hated and never wanted to have his collection. This documentary tells how this strange turn of events came about and thoroughly examines the issues involved from legal, ethical, financial and aesthetic perspectives. Indeed, the production’s one fault is that it’s perhaps a bit too thorough. Some of the coverage is downright exhaustive, not Shoah bad but still deserving of a more judicious edit to cut out some repetition. Still, the story is interesting and is well told here. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 1/22/12
The Art of War
Somewhere here, buried under a load of uninteresting international intrigue, is a passable action movie. Wesley Snipes stars as a top secret operative for the United Nations (yeah, no kidding) who helps the Secretary General deal with tricky situations. By the time the story plays out, our hero has been pitted against sinister Chinese businessmen, fanatical right-wing American conspirators, and no end of assassins. The action scenes are good without being great, but the movie tends to bog down a bit between gunfights. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 2001
The Art of War 2: Betrayal
Other than a slightly lower budget, this is much like its predecessor. Wesley Snipes once again plays an international hit man, this time pitted against a corporate conspiracy out to assassinate U.S. Senators standing in the way of a bit defense contract. I instant-viewed this because I was in the mood for a reasonably-well-produced picture with some martial arts sequences, and with those minimal standards in mind it did not disappoint. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 2/19/2009
The Asphyx
When people know they’re going to die, spirits called Asphyxes attend their passing. A couple of gentlemen scientists figure out how to trap the things, which apparently makes them immortal as long as the trapping occurs right around a fearful passing, the right light shines on the racket-making puppet spirit and it’s locked away where the light never gets turned off. The concept is weird enough to work in a metaphysical-version-of-autoerotic-asphyxiation way, but it doesn’t survive a script packed with bad dialogue and low logic levels. Sadly, this picture will only interest you if you’re especially fond of British horror movies from the 1970s, you’ve never seen an immortal guinea pig or your ass is broken. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 2/27/13
The Assassination of Jesse James
by the Coward Robert Ford
The Assassination of My Last Goddamn Nerve by the Cretins Who Made This Movie is more like it. This is like some satanic combination of the forced artiness of the dreary westerns my dad used to love back in the 70s and the political consciousness of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Brad Pitt turns in a mugging-intensive performance as criminal, terrorist “hero” James, and his killer comes across as an obsessed fan. Honestly, I had to watch this in chunks just to keep it from becoming so annoying that I stopped watching it altogether. Verdict: wish I’d skipped it. CHLITM = 15 minutes (and then around once every ten minutes thereafter)
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Western
Date reviewed: 11/10/2008
The Assassination of Richard Nixon
Here’s an oddity: a movie about an assassination attempt that didn’t succeed. In 1974 a ne’er-do-well salesman named Sam Byck tried to kill Richard Nixon by (unsuccessfully) hijacking an airplane and plowing it into the White House. In the wake of September 11, the plot obviously takes on an immediacy it otherwise wouldn’t have had. But beyond that, all we get from this is yet another lone nut obsessed with violence against the rich and powerful. Sean Penn plays Byck (spelled “Bicke” in the movie) as a bizarre combination of Travis Bickle and Rain Man, which fits the story line but generally makes the lead character neither sympathetic nor compelling. Of course the problems here aren’t all Penn’s doing. The production would have been helped considerably by more emphasis on the protagonist’s mental illness, his delusions and his crimes. Instead the stress is mostly on his business and relationship woes. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 7/16/2006
Assassins
This picture is directed by Richard Donner and stars onetime-action-movie-king Sylvester Stallone. So I’m not quite sure why it had to turn out so deadly dull. At least part of the problem is Stallone’s usual lack of affection for dialogue. Normally that’s not a big problem in a movie about manly men who kill people for a living. But at least a little human element would have been a nice addition to this story. Sly plays an aging hit man looking for one final job to round out his career. Enter a young, obnoxious rival played by a young, obnoxious Antonio Banderas. A few twists and turns later, and our hero is trying to save a computer hacker (Julianne Moore) from just about everyone else in the movie. The only thing that kept my attention at all was a near constant worry that something bad was going to happen to the cat that Moore’s character insisted on dragging with her everywhere she went. And the only success the picture managed to achieve is that the poor creature actually made it all the way to the end. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 2/5/2010
Assassin’s Bullet
A State Department factotum falls in love with a belly dancer who is actually an English teacher slash Manchurian Candidate who kills terrorists and ... okay, I admit it. I lost interest in this thing early on and just let it run for background noise. So at least it was fairly noisy. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 12/18/12
Assault on Precinct 13
This is some of John Carpenter’s earlier work as a director, and one of his few forays outside the realms of horror and/or science fiction. The plot here is a simple bit of business about a police station running on a skeleton crew suddenly besieged by a gang of fanatical gang members. The whys and hows of the whole thing would take too long to explain in full. For here, suffice it to say that a couple of cops and a couple of cons from the holding cells must hold off the urban marauders until help arrives. And that’s the bulk of the drama. Some of the action sequences are sort of fun, but otherwise this is a less-than-compelling bit of cinema. Oh, and advance warning: early on the gang leader ruthlessly executes a kid (motiveless but nonetheless integral to the plot, so you can decide for yourself whether or not it was really a good decision to include it). Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 2001
Assault on Precinct 13 (2004)
At least this didn’t turn out quite as bad as some other recent remakes. However, that’s at least in part because if you’re remaking The Manchurian Candidate you’ve got some serious living up to do. Redoing a mediocre offering from early in John Carpenter’s career, on the other hand, imposes less of a burden. Some of the new twists this time around actually help the plot. For example, in the original the attack by a gang took place in Los Angeles in clear weather. It’s easier to understand why nobody comes to the aid of a besieged police station in Detroit in the middle of a blinding snowstorm when the attacking forces turn out to be crooked cops (sorry about the minor spoiler, but it’s revealed early in the movie as well, not to mention on the DVD box). The acting is uneven, ranging from good work from Lawrence Fishburne to standard stuff from John Leguizamo to sub-par posturing from Ja Rule. Production values are good, and the story keeps moving fairly well. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Thriller
Date reviewed: 6/22/2005
Asteroid
Alas, poor Kansas City. This two-part sci-fi movie got me all set to see my home town trashed by a giant rock from outer space. And then the catastrophe peters out. Instead of a mega-hit, all we get is a medium-sized stone that takes out a (wholly nonexistent) dam, causing nothing worse than some flooding. Instead, a different asteroid comes along later and trashes Dallas. When this plot has to stretch out to fill four hours’ worth of screen time (minus ads, of course), you know going in that you’re going to get a lot of lost kid crap and similar time-killers. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 1/21/2008
Astro Boy
Osamu Tezuka’s most legendary creation gets Americanized and computer animated to no particularly good effect. The recognizable voices for the cast (including Donald Sutherland and Nicolas Cage) must have cost so much that they had to cut corners on the visuals. The result lives somewhere between the quality audiences have come to expect from theatrical-release animation and the junk we expect kids to tolerate on TV because producers don’t want to waste a lot of money on them. Given the “classic” nature of the undertaking, I expected something more respectful. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 11/13/2010
The Astronaut's Wife
I’ll bet Rod Serling could have told this same story (a sci-fi reheat of Rosemary’s Baby with aliens stepping in for Satan) in his usual 22 minutes. The film-makers here fill the additional 80-ish with a whole lot of meandering and useless art direction. The cast does what they can with it, but there just isn’t enough script to work with. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 2000
The Astro Zombies
Did this thing really spawn sequels? Did it really? Sigh. This is one of those movies that’s so terrible it’s hard to follow. For example, for awhile I struggled to figure out if the monster was intended to be a psychopath disguising his identity with a cheap rubber mask or if we were really being asked to buy the thing as a zombie. John Carradine stumbles around for awhile as a mad scientist in scenes that have only the most tangential connection to the rest of the movie. But honestly, couldn’t I have just started by typing “Tura Satana” and skipped the rest of the review? Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 4/22/11
Asylum (1972)
Peter Cushing? Patrick Magee? Herbert Lom? An insane asylum? Must be another dreary British horror anthology piece. This one sports a number of familiar faces, including Charlotte Rampling and Brit Ekland as her homicidal imaginary friend. Though some segments are weaker than others (an unfaithful, murdering husband pursued by his wife’s brown-paper-wrapped body parts?), overall this was reasonably entertaining. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Anthology
Date reviewed: 8/7/12
At Close Range
Though probably best known for the title theme song performed by Madonna, this so-dumb-it-must-be-true crime drama has a few other things going for it. Sean Penn and Christopher Walken spend most of the movie in a scenery-chewing contest, with Walken emerging the winner only because he turns in one of his all-time most grossly over-acted performances in a long career to overplayed roles. Acting aside, it works reasonably well as a white trash idyll destroyed by a father who involves his sons in the family farm-equipment-stealing business. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 1999
The A-Team
This is even more awful than I expected a movie based on The A-Team to be. How is that even possible? This is a goofy, G.I. Joe plus extra violence production, sort of what frat boys must think war is like. If you’re in the mood for a truly mindless action movie, you might be able to do worse. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 7/25/12
At First Sight
Sadly, Val Kilmer appears to have reached and exceeded the limits of his acting ability. He’s supposed to be playing a blind man who regains his sight thanks to the miracles of modern medicine. But he plays the character as if he was not only visually impaired but also mentally differently abled. Once he regains his sight and begins to struggle with his newfound sense, his IQ also seems to jump by at least 50 points. Mira Sorvino, as Kilmer’s girlfriend, does her best to keep up. But ultimately this movie never rises above the level of run-of-the-mill disability drama. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Situation
Date reviewed: 2000
Atlantic City
Imagine Willy Loman as a superannuated numbers runner and you’ve got the gist of this critically-acclaimed Louis Malle movie. Burt Lancaster does a yeoman’s job as an old, low-level mobster who gets the chance to pretend to be someone important when he comes by a load of cocaine and the ready cash he makes from selling it. This is one of those twisty little stories in which everyone ends up tied to everyone else. In particular, our “hero” latches on to a oyster-shucking ingénue (Susan Sarandon) who dreams of dealing cards in Monte Carlo. Though Lancaster comes across as a little too old for the mid-life crisis he appears to be having, this is nonetheless an interesting portrait of middle-aged American masculinity. Beyond that, though, there’s an interesting parallel between the man and the city he lives in, both faded, both apparently anxious to relive days that never were. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Caper
Date reviewed: 5/26/2005
Atlantis, The Lost Continent
If there had been a Sci Fi Channel in the 1960s, I’m sure it would have produced this movie. This is the meandering tale of a Greek fisherman who gets conned into helping an Atlantean princess return to her homeland. Once they get there, the bad guy enslaves our hero, plots the conquest of the earth, and ignores the warning signs from the island’s volcano. Though it has a moment or two, overall this is George Pal corny and dated without being George Pal clever and interesting. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 8/6/2008
Atlantis: The Lost Empire
As with Lilo and Stitch, this movie surprised me with the volume of violence present in a production presumably aimed at a juvenile audience. Here the gun battles seem slightly more apt, as this is an adventure yarn vaguely – and only vaguely – suggestive of Verne or Burroughs rather than a cutesy picture strictly for pre-teens. On the other hand, the casualty list runs high before the story plays itself out. The animation is good, at least by American 2-D standards. The casting is notable for its self-conscious multi-ethnicity and a rare appearance by James Garner as a villain. The plot – adventurers set out to find the lost city of you-know-where – is sufficient to keep the show going, though it bogs down if fake mysticism toward the end. Overall this is a craftsmanlike but not especially inspirational outing. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Animation
Date reviewed: 11/24/2006
Atomic Cafe
This documentary should be required viewing in film production courses, particularly those classes that emphasize editing techniques. With nothing but old archive footage from the 40s and 50s, the Archive Project manages to create a movie about nuclear madness as chilling as it is funny. By cutting together clips from a variety of different sources, the film-makers paint a brilliant portrait of a nation rolling in post-war prosperity yet obsessed with the destructive power of atomic weapons. If any proof is needed that a wonderful, insightful film can be made without spending millions of dollars on big-name actors and flashy effects, here is all the evidence anyone should ever want. Verdict: buy the tape.
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Historical
Date reviewed: 2000
Atomic Dog
If you’ve seen Devil Dog: The Hound from Hell, then you can safely ignore this one. Truth be told, you can probably safely ignore them both. This time around the canine villain is a creature of evil thanks to nuclear radiation rather than the forces of darkness, but otherwise the plot (supernaturally vicious dog bedevils suburban family) is pretty much the same. And of course any time dogs play the bad guys, you know you’re in for a big dose of animal suffering. The old Parliament Funkadelic song was better, not to mention shorter. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 2000
Atomic Journeys
If only the DVD had featured an option for turning off the soundtrack music. This production features a ton of fascinating footage, some recently declassified and here presented to the public for the first time. Unfortunately, it’s framed in an inept documentary about “peaceful” atomic testing in the 50s and 60s. Interviewees dwell on the excuses for the testing (ranging from digging canals to tapping natural gas pockets), giving the production the feel of a movie made about an empty room that constantly shows every corner but the one with the white elephant in it. Overall this might have been a much better movie if it had just stuck with the Atomic Café mix of archival footage and period music only. Almost everything else here is an annoying distraction (as borne out by the special features, where some of the original stuff can be viewed without interruption or hysterically over-dramatized score). Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: War
Date reviewed: 12/29/2006
The Atomic Submarine
Effects this bad might be fun if they were created by some kids playing around with sub models and a camcorder, but in a professional production the nicest thing I can say about them is that at least they’re consistent with the quality of the rest of the production. Apparently in the future submarine journeys under the North Pole will be common, not just military boats but also undersea passenger liners. Surface craft traffic appears to have picked up a bit beyond current levels as well. So it’s humanity’s dumb luck that an evil alien presence lurks under the ice, cruising its flying/swimming saucer around and destroying ships when it finds them. Eventually the intrepid, two-fisted crew of the title vessel manages to track the thing down and ram their ship into it. This leads to a showdown between our heroes and an alien that looks like a moldy hot dog with a single eye. Fun stuff. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 10/22/2009
Attack of the Crab Monsters
Being stuck on a desert island with a mess of giant crabs would be bad enough by itself. But apparently these huge, droopy-eyed refugees from a Thanksgiving parade don’t just tear you in two. They also absorb your mind, so after death you become part of the collective crab consciousness. This is one of Roger Corman’s vintage best terrible, low budget horror flicks. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 12/8/2007
At the Circus
This Marx Brothers outing makes its main contribution to western civilization when Groucho sings the now-legendary “Lydia The Tattooed Lady.” Otherwise it’s the usual blend of fast talk and slapstick occasionally interrupted by musical numbers. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Classic
Date reviewed: 1/10/2007
At the Death House Door
The description on the dish box said this was about a man who may have been wrongfully executed in Texas. However, it turns out to be mostly about the former chaplain at the prison that houses the state’s death row. The ol’ guy made audio tapes of his thoughts about the executions of each condemned prisoner he ministered to. The subject matter alone is fascinating enough to carry the documentary for its whole running time. However, the production itself is a bit bargain-basement-Errol-Morris. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 9/25/2008
The Attic
One advantage to doppelganger movies is that they save at least some money that low-budget producers have to spend on their casts. They also appear to have saved some money on the script. The story sets up with a mentally-unstable woman who thinks she sees the ghost of her long-dead twin sister. Nobody believes her. She keeps seeing the ghost. Everybody keeps not believing. Do I even have to say that this gets boring after awhile? Also, either this was a short movie or Chiller cut a chunk out of it, because the ad breaks were epic (close to six minutes each). Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 7/8/2009
The Attic Expeditions
Unless you’re a big fan of nothing-is-real-everything-is-insane crap spectacles (or you find Satanic ritual nudity especially amusing), you’re unlikely to take much pleasure from this particular expedition. The most entertainment I managed to derive from this muddled mess was the challenge of remembering where I’d seen the actors before; the ensemble was mostly veterans of other horror flicks ranging from The Re-Animator to Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4 to Helter Skelter. Other than that this is a lot of boring nonsense about a lunatic who may or may not possess the secrets of evil magic sought by the mad psychiatrist who is torturing him. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 8/9/2002
Augustus
Here’s a grim trudge down the familiar road of Augustus Caesar’s biography. This isn’t smart enough to be interesting or gross enough to be entertaining. Nor does it have enough content to justify its three-hour running time. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: History
Date reviewed: 2/15/14
Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State
Six hours of the Holocaust, but at least it’s more interesting than Shoah. Actually, this is a really solid introduction to the subject, well paced with a good combination of interviews, recreations, location shots, computer simulations and historical footage. I wouldn’t tackle this on a cheerful, sunny summer day. But if you’re ready to face an honest portrayal of one of the most disgraceful chapters in human history, this six-part miniseries is an excellent experience. Verdict: worth seeing.
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Holocaust
Date reviewed: 4/19/11
Austin Powers
This film is an instruction manual on how to run jokes into the ground. It starts out as a mildly clever concept: what if one of those stupid cliché British secret agents from the 60s somehow ended up forced to adjust to life in the 90s. But every time screenwriter Mike Myers tosses in a gag with potential, he ends up running it over and over again until it isn’t funny anymore or exerting so much energy explaining the joke that the humor gets sucked right out of the situation. A quick example: there’s an Irish terrorist who leaves a trinket from his charm bracelet at crime scenes. “Always after my lucky charms,” he mutters, completely deadpan. Mildly amusing, but then the characters have a way-too-extensive discussion of the Lucky Charms ad, robbing the joke of just about all its impact. And then there’s the endless parade of moronic nonsense about the protagonist’s British teeth. Take away the self-defeating gags, and there’s not much here besides a juvenile send-up of equally juvenile, decades-old James Bond movies. Verdict: wish I’d skipped it.
Genre: Comedy
Subgenre: Parody
Date reviewed: 1999
Australia
After Luhrmann-izing Shakespeare and the musical, the erstwhile director takes on epic drama. Nicole Kidman stars as an English aristocrat who journeys to the Outback to save her late husband’s ranch. With the help of a man known only as The Drover (Hugh Jackman), she manages to save the operation from rival ranchers while rescuing indigenous people from cruel racists. The story plays like The African Queen if you took it out, got it drunk, and then took it around back and beat it with a brick for awhile. And nearly three hours later the picture decides that it actually isn’t going to go anywhere. Verdict: mildly amusing. CHLITM: 1 hour 10 minutes.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Adventure
Date reviewed: 3/14/2009
Auto Focus
Here’s the sad life and strange death of Bob Crane turned into Hollywood entertainment. Overall this comes across as a cautionary tale about the perils of an unhealthy obsession with sex, though one suspects that most “sex addicts” don’t end up murdered by their bisexual partners in crime. Greg Kinnear does a solid job as Crane, and Willem Dafoe actually does too good a job as video technician John Carpenter, the most likely suspect in Crane’s murder (though he was never convicted). If nothing else, this movie deserves the Caligula prize for taking an unflinching look at an unseemly subject. Well okay, there was one flinch where a blow job shot was blurred out. But otherwise this is an instant classic of the too-much-of-a-good-thing genre. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Crime
Date reviewed: 5/13/2003
Automaton
I don’t know. I thought Robovision and Monstervision were both good, but somehow combining them into Robo-Monstervision just didn’t work. Seriously though, this is an awful, pseudo-artistic mess about a dystopian future in which small pockets of armageddon-surviving humanity battle on using robot soldiers. Really slow moving robot soldiers. Between robo-battles, the protagonist plays videos of her father (Angus “The Tall Man” Scrimm) droning on and on about the drama’s apocalyptic back story. Two technical points: first, the battle sequences look about the same when played at double speed (and of course take only half the time). Second, the DVD errored out at around an hour and nine minutes in. Because we were unable to restart it, I’m going to give the picture a benefit-of-the-doubt point based on the questionable theory that something radically better might have happened in the last 15 minutes. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 7/9/2009
Autopsy
One nice thing about a lot of torture porn is that it tends to lead off with a woman bound on an operating table (or similar other contrivance) screaming her lungs out. When a movie opens with something like that, it’s easy to just hit the delete button before wasting any more time on it. But when the slicing and dicing doesn’t get underway until a half an hour in, well, by that point one has already made a time commitment to it and might as well stick through to the end. Besides, this particular specimen partially acquitted itself by including some vaguely entertaining gore. The plot is some forgettable nonsense about a group of 20-somethings who have a car accident in the middle of nowhere and end up in the hospital from hillbilly hell. Robert Patrick does a passable job as a mad scientist draining the precious bodily fluids of his victims in order to keep his terminally-ill wife alive. This story line was better in The Corpse Vanishes more than half a century before this stinker was made, and that isn’t even a particularly high hurdle to leap. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Slasher
Date reviewed: 2/13/2010
Autumn in New York
Take a romance between a high-40s aging lothario and a ditzy low-20-something. Add the plot twist that she’s dying of Tragic Beautiful Actress Syndrome (the same thing that got Ali McGraw in Love Story). Then dump on a heapin’ helpin’ of some of the worst dialogue I’ve ever heard, and voila! here it is. The offense is further aggravated by Wynona Ryder playing a role she could barely have pulled off ten years ago (this woman’s my age for crying out loud, and I assure you I ain’t 20). Then of course there’s the constant presence of Richard Gere. The final icing on the cake is the almost constant reliance on clichés, particularly the male lead’s simpering, empty-headed self-deprecation. Even the most devoted fan of the chick flick may have trouble choking this one down. Verdict: wish I’d skipped it.
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Romantic
Date reviewed: 1/29/2002
Avatar
The big disadvantage to missing “the most popular movie of all time” in theaters is that for what seemed like months everyone was making Avatar references I didn’t completely get. The big advantage, however, is that it’s a lot easier to appreciate the picture for its own merits rather than for the hype. And it certainly has shortcomings. The story – especially the romance – is straight out of Ferngully. The effects are expensive, elaborate and occasionally impressive, but they create a world that’s half video game and half drug-addled day-glo from Spencer’s Gifts circa 1978. Most troubling, however, is the treatment of the conflict between the indigenous “savages” and the technologically sophisticated Earth people. The movie hedges its bets by simultaneously extolling the virtues of war and condemning its destructiveness. And despite the happy Custer’s Last Stand ending, I can’t help but wonder if a realistic Avatar 2 wouldn’t inevitably include a Wounded Knee destruction of the entire planet. Overall this wasn’t the worst blockbuster I’ve ever seen, but it didn’t merit all the hoopla either. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Sci fi
Date reviewed: 6/6/2010
The Avengers (1998)
I don’t know if fans of the original TV series will find this amusing or not, because I can’t say that I’ve ever seen an episode. But I can say that I thought this was one of the silliest movies I’ve ever seen. The English charm is charmless, most of the attempts to be quirky fall pitifully flat, and the “witty” dialogue is made all the more witless and wooden by the efforts of vacuous Uma Thurman and smarmy Ralph Fiennes. Some of the effects are kind of cute, but otherwise this film doesn’t offer much beyond a few appearances by Eddie Izzard in a henchman role. Verdict: wish I’d skipped it.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Spy
Date reviewed: 1999
The Avengers (2012)
This was marginally better than I thought it would be. The writers did a reasonably good job of meshing the various franchises and franchises-to-be into a single, cohesive story. In particular, Robert Downey Jr. is easier to take when he isn’t the sole protagonist. Of course the special effects go a long way toward smoothing over weak points in the plot (such as the remarkable ineffectiveness of bad guys who should logically have been a great deal more powerful than they turn out to be). Overall this should prove satisfying to anyone looking for an entertaining superhero movie. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Action
Subgenre: Superhero
Date reviewed: 6/7/12
The Aviator
All by himself, Howard Hughes almost automatically makes for the subject of an interesting movie. But Martin Scorsese seems to be doing almost everything he can to avoid pulling it off. For openers, he seems to have lost a good deal of his once-impressive sense of timing. As a result, many sequences that I’m sure were intended as a glimpse into Hughes’s manias instead come across as little more than annoying. Further, much of the casting here is all wrong. Leonardo DiCaprio does an acceptable job as the young, enthusiastic protagonist, but by the time 20 years and the strain of mental illness are supposed to have taken their toll on him, the actor no longer has the range to pull it off. And don’t even get me started on Kate Blanchett as Katherine Hepburn. Overall this is a long, expensive production that isn’t bad but could have been a lot better than it was. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Drama
Subgenre: Biography
Date reviewed: 1/17/2005
The Awakening (2011)
More than a century after the first publication of “The Turn of the Screw,” Henry James continues to work his evil, dull-as-dishwater influence on English ghost stories. The description’s mention of a ghost hunter prompted me to pass this picture at first, but then I found myself curious to see how one of the great staples of the “found footage” sub-genre might play in an actual, narrative movie set decades before the birth of camcorders. Though I found the spiritualist-debunking protagonist initially intriguing, the production swiftly sunk under the weight of its own ponderous plot. Verdict: mildly amusing.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Ghost
Date reviewed: 4/9/13
Awakening the Beast
Imagine Reefer Madness redone (with LSD as the substance of choice) by Kenneth Anger. Now imagine that rather than Anger it’s his even-weirder Brazilian equivalent. If you imagine that you like bizarre black and white (for the most part) experimental movies with a lot of gratuitous nudity and drug use, then I imagine you’ll get a kick out of this. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Art
Date reviewed: 7/16/2007
Azorian: The Raising of the K-129
Usually if there’s no IMDb listing for a production I won’t review it as a movie. However, this PBS special was long enough to meet the running time requirement, and I felt the need to say a word or two about it. Honestly, how the hell can they take a deep sea recovery mission with strong intrigue and espionage elements and turn it into a watching-grass-grow lecture on mechanical engineering? The U.S. attempt to extract the wreckage of Soviet submarine K-129 is a tale packed with high level government high jinks, submarine story thrills and the world’s most expensive game of Claw Machine. Though some of the more interesting elements (such as what may have sunk the sub to begin with) get a brief mention, the vast vast vast majority of the production is an endless consideration of the various pipes, gears, winches and whatnot that went into the Hughes Glomar Explorer, a multi-gazillion-dollar vessel built for one failed purpose. If you’re way into nautical engineering, PBS finally made the special you’ve been waiting for. Everyone else can skip with impunity. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Documentary
Subgenre: Submarines
Date reviewed: 4/22/11
Aztec Rex
If you reshot Apocalypto as a Sci Fi Channel movie, this is most likely what you’d end up with. The idea – to the extent there is one – is that in his (fictional) first voyage to the Americas, Cortez and a small band of conquistadors end up in a valley inhabited by a small group of Aztecs who worship a pair of tyrannosaurs. Cortez’s ratty wig notwithstanding, the real star of the show is the special effects, bad even by Sci Fi standards. Indeed, I recorded this in advance based on the assumption that The Soup would whet my appetite to watch it (not a bad guess, as it turned out). Still, I suppose I should be grateful for such video-game-esque CGI. If the monsters were any more realistic, I might have actually felt sorry for them. Verdict: see if desperate.
Genre: Horror
Subgenre: Monster
Date reviewed: 5/17/2008